On This Day

80 Years Ago

At their annual assembly held this year in Prestatyn, members of the South Pennine Wing-Collar & Spatmakers’ Guild heard an impassioned call to arms from their Stitchmaster-General, Ernest J Prinkhole. ‘This is no time for words,’ he told the conference and called upon delegates to join him in urging immediate action from the government to halt the decline of a once great industry, now dying on its feet. In less than 200 years, he warned, spats could become a thing of the past. His motion was carried unanimously by a silent show of immaculately cuffed hands.

One Year Ago

In a prepared statement released to the Press, Drayne Tubbles, lead singer of The Flies, made clear his wish to step out of the limelight for an unspecified length of time, ‘wiv this court case and fings like coming up’. Whilst promising his fans around the world he would be back, Tubbles requested journalists everywhere to respect the privacy of his many friends and families, closing with the advice to lay off you scumbags or else.

120 Years Ago

Inventor Thruxton Plinge unveiled his design for the world’s first mobile phone. The Plinge Mobilatory Telephonic Network Ltd carried out a series of successful demonstrations on a pavement in Pinner. As assistant technician Arthur Wormit strode up and down the footpath, waving one arm and bellowing into the mouthpiece, it was clear that he was able to receive, between intervals, several distinct words in reply. With user harnessed to a trolley capable of reeling out several kilometres of telephonic cable and manservants deployed in key positions to haul in spare line and re-connect to different public call-boxes, the system was hailed as an important advance for British communications. However, a sceptical public remained unconvinced of the need for any such network in years to come, given the abundance of errand-boys, two a penny on the streets of Pinner.

15 Years Ago

Worcester schoolboy Kyle Peeley of 14, Leylandii View, had a shock from his lunchbox when he discovered that the sausage roll he was enjoying, obtained from his favourite supplier, contained not one but two human fingers. ‘It’s not what you expect to find in a sausage roll,’ said mother of Kyle, Dawn Peeley, aged 39.