Dear Sir or Madam,

The Reverend and Mrs J P Ghastlie
Purgatory Lodge
Doom Lane
Lostock Green


Dear Sir or Madam,

My wife and I are increasingly concerned at the number of placards and posters appearing in the nearby village, placed there presumably by people inexplicably opposed to the exciting prospect of us soon having our own Crematorium.

Both Glenys and I joyfully embrace Life’s last Mystery, having moved to our present location on the blind bend at the junction of Doom Lane and Reapers Hollow in the hope of my being able to officiate at resulting fatal motor car accidents. Sadly, none have taken place these past five years, although once a local farmer did run over a frog there. We stood and sang “The Day Thou Gavest…” and the little flat body was cremated near our greenhouse.

As Respecters of Death, we use our Railcards to travel the country in search of really good funerals. I myself have compiled a Sadness Quotient based on the number of funeral cars, how many occupants are besides themselves with grief, and the volume of singing during the service. Amazon have expressed interest.

So you can imagine our disappointment at the village reaction to Memoria Crematorium’s (MemCrem) inspiring offer. Do villagers realize that by rejecting Memoria’s overtures, they are passing up the chance of being really sad at least seven times a day? Fourteen, if you count the return journey which in my experience can be far more harrowing than the inward because the bereaved are by that time utterly shattered by Death’s swift sting. And all this visible through the windows of the slow moving funeral cars. An unrivalled spectacle!

So my wife and I regard the village response as not only personally disappointing, but also as a missed opportunity for locals, especially the normally feckless and workshy who suitably dressed in cast-off dark clothing could line the funeral route, heads bowed, caps and bonnets in hand, intoning “Nearer My God To Thee…” Given persistent rain and an overcast sky I can think of no more beautiful a pageant.

I am,
Yours in Death,
Rev Jolyon Ghastlie MA (Tombs. Cantab)


  1. Sir/Madam,
    Whilst I should know better at my age [19], I do find your blog funny and diverting and indeed, occasionally challenging.
    I am puzzled therefore at the relative paucity of comment from your millions of followers. Is this because they've used up all their useless babbling on Twitter or in deeply irritating conversations on the mobiles they have surgically attached to their ears ?
    Yours sincerely
    Alan Bloan

  2. Sir,
    I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms regarding the misplaced apostrophe in the March 1947 edition of your publication.
    A. Pedant.

  3. God ! People like you are such a pain. Here are a few of the apostrophes used in the March 1947 edition. '''''''''''''''''
    You sort 'em out.

  4. And to celebrate my joining your merry throng heres a few more apostrohes i had lying about,(comma)'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''........!

  5. Dear Mr Wuss,
    Regarding my letter of the 23rd of May 2012, I have to tell you that my misguided flock have successfully opposed the building of a crematorium in our village and that the nice MemCrem people have most graciously accepted the Council's decision, pausing only to call villagers "Effin' bumpkins" before folding their tents and silently slipping away.
    My wife and I are tremendously disappointed by these developments and where once hope sprang eternal and we thought we might have our very own Place of Death, we now face a minimum journey of at least five miles to the nearest crematorium where we may join in the grieving.
    I feel sure that these wrong - headed villagers will live [or not] to regret their victory.
    I am,
    Yours, awaiting the Inevitable,
    Jolyon Ghastlie [MA Tombs Cantab]

  6. I notice that no-one has written to your rather silly blog for well over a year. This does not surprise me. Pangolin's content is not understood by sensible, boring people like me who are very keen on radio phone - ins and writing to the Prime Minister.
    Your Blog would do well to offer far more tedious articles on things like wheelie bin management or the way Belgian authorities deal with local councils' parking meter colour schemes.
    Also, ALL the cartoons featured on Pangolin need written explanations as to why they are funny.
    Yours sincerely,
    Gerald and Winifred McVapid [East Loathian]

  7. Dear Mr Wuff,
    I am a left-handed basket weaver and I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the predominantly right-handed foreign reeds being imported from Belgium and certain parts of Birkenhead.British ambidextrous reeds are the best. Except Scots ones which are just plain awkward.
    Yours truly,
    Everard Trough.

  8. Dear Mr. Wumf,
    Well, almost another year has passed since you published our last letter. Since then the wheelie bin issue has remained unresolved and the Belgian initiative with regard to parking meters unheeded.
    We are not sure if this is because your Blog is boring and stupid, or because we are confessedly pedantic and slightly unhinged.
    However, we fully expect ours and others' issues to be tackled soon by another Tory government unhindered by LibDem namby - pambies and keen to cast off the shackles of Europe.
    Yours sincerely,
    Gerald and Winifred McVapid.

  9. Dear Mr Buss,
    And here we are less than two years after the McVapid's prophetic letter. We are now free from European shackles, or at least we will be when politicians stop muddying the waters with their vexatious blatherings. I get SO tired of shouting at the television. Why, last night I was giving it what for when I noticed that it wasn't switched on.
    There'll Always be an England
    Hector Rice - Cake [Maj. retd.]


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