Thursday, 1 November 2012

Our Science Correspondent Dr P J Whimbrel reports...

Pleb sources close to Downing Street suggest to The Pangolin that David Cameron and Nick Clegg are soon to roll out a raft of proposals aimed at beefing up Mr Cameron’s long – awaited Happiness legislation. 

At a recent meeting with advisers and Eric Pickles, popularly tipped to become the UK’s first Happiness Tsar, Mr Cameron unveiled plans to install electronic thought readers in all urban conurbations.

“Look,"said the Prime Minister, “Let me make this perfectly clear. We want people to be happy, right? Psychologist johnnies tell me that having bad thoughts about something or somebody can make you unhappy, OK? So because this administration is like really in touch and down and dirty with all our brothers and sisters out there, my government and I are going to come down hard on people thinking bad unhappy-making thoughts.”

Mr Eric Pickles, accompanied by a large Alsatian spoke to waiting reporters outside the meeting, echoing his Leaders’ proposals. “Look,” he said. “ Let me make this perfectly clear, the electronic devices will be fitted to lamp posts or other lofty structures and will be tuned to peoples’ bad thoughts. 
In the first instance, they will be limited to folks’ bad thoughts about Mr Cameron, Mr Clegg, Mr Osborne and fat buggers with big dogs, but later their remit may be widened to include royalty, the Church, the U.S.A, the BBC and bankers."

At this point Mr Pickles introduced Frau Olga Goebbels (no relation), Technical Director of YM – MM (Your Mind is My Mind), manufacturers of the Happithink devices. Frau Goebbles said, “Ven der kleine box is detecting der bad thoughts about our superiors is send out der small not so painful taser blast. Undt zen der bad thinkings stop."

Pangolin’s religious affairs correspondent, Olwyn Goodfellow, tells us “The Anglican Church seem to be sitting on the fence with this one whilst the latest Papal encyclical urges local councils to be sparing in their reliance of the Happithink devices as taser blasts can have a contraceptive effect.”

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