"This is the 04.15 service to Agglethorpe, calling at Bat and Ball, Snodland, Bickerdyke, Chinkacronk, Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Eastbourne. When alighting from the train, please leave your belongings behind unless you're that bloke in Carriage Three with the stuffed bear. They will be sold at a bring and buy sale and any proceeds will to to the Southeastern Railways Rich Tea fund.
When alighting at Itchygrump, please remember that there is a gap of three feet between the train and the platform. Try not to fall down it as there's something nasty in there.
CCTV is in operation on this train for your security, safety and to catch any absent-minded nosepickers."