Arts News

Marcel Duchamp IN HERNE BAY!!!


Not many people know that the famous Marcel Duchamp hung out in Herne Bay - well not exactly IN Herne Bay, but on terra firma as chaperone to his younger sister.  We have documentary evidence below.  He is, of course, chiefly famous for trying out all the new movements in art in the early 20th century - cubism, futurism, embolism, alcoholism, journalism - and being crap at every one of them.  He then set a precedent for all would-be artists who can't draw, by exhibiting a urinal.  Sadly, Saatchi didn't exist at the time, but he seems to have got by anyway.

An extract from Marcel’s diary... with thanks to the Herne Bay Dada Enthusiasts’ Circle:
“End so – auf to ‘Erne Bayee, whatevaire zat ees, to keep ‘ow you say, the minced pies, on ouwer Yvonne, who ‘as on occasion, shown zat she can be, ow you say, up for it, weez almost any hommes. Ragand muffin or gentlemens. Certainment zer wezaire it will be pissings down end so zere will be no times for moi to go for zer bracing walkings. Bon! All I must do is prevent the naughty Yvonne from becoming into a naughty situations and trembling the knees with passing blokery. This will geev me time to find somethings to do with thees urinal which arrived from Amazon last week. Eef I can get it into my bag.”

A Pome

Pollock splashed it around
Rode a bike through it
But thanks to the booze
Eventually blew it.
Let me through, I’m Saatchi!
I’ll tell you what’s good Art
If you’re rich, thick and pretentious
I’m the place to start.
Pablo could draw when he was a lad,
Then he found Cubism, a bit of a fad
But its all gone a bit wonky
Said the winsome Paloma
I strongly suspect early onset glaucoma.
Tracey’s bed and Dave’s dead shark
Leave the punters in the dark
Is it art or a bit of malarkey
“Who cares? It sells” says nice Mr Saatchi.


Toulouse-Lautrec had little legs
He painted ladies bare
To see them all from head to foot
He had to use a chair


Edifying Thoughts as it's Sunday

The Pope was in the Vatican
Where the paint was all a’peelin’
He decided to do the whole place up
Michelangelo got the ceilin’


Local Artist defaces Painting

Curator of Glossop's Museum of Pictures an' That, Dame Caroline Mouthful, was reported to be shocked beyond belief by local artist Aubrey Spanner's deliberate and admitted defacing of the Museum's recent most controversial acquisition, "Load of Balls" by up-and-coming painter Traci Omen (23).  Mr Spanner is understood to have handed himself in to the Police, claiming to be the Prime Minister and therefore able to do as he pleases.

"Besides", said Mr Spanner, "it is".

Poets' Corner (1)

Van Gogh was consumed by grief, love and hate
Which caused in him moods, grim and irate.
Given the push by a lady held dear
He stomped off home
And chopped off an ear.

Gaugin’s pictures are cryptic
One or two quite torrid 
And on an island far away
He caught something really horrid

Recent Acquisitions by Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That

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