Friday, 15 March 2013

National Knee Scare - We Need Action Now!

The knee epidemic presently sweeping the country caught health bosses unprepared, says Professor Anna Prongg from Glossop Yooni and Mechanics' Institute.  "My colleagues and I have been urging local Health Authorities nationally to establish exactly how many of the rogue knees there are. Whilst we accept that unusual climatic conditions have encouraged normally migratory knees to settle here in the UK, we must understand that a healthy pair of knees will reproduce alarmingly quickly.  An immediate knee-cull is the only solution," says Professor Prongg.

Mr Alan Flabbie (43) sent us this shocking picture of a pair of adult knees in Ditchley town centre and says:  "I was just about to cross the road to take my stuffed wombat to the dry cleaners when a couple of these knees jumped right out in front of me.  Having been a Glossop United supporter all my life, I'm not easily scared, but I don't mind telling you the whole thing really shook me."
A distraught Mr Flabbie added that the shock caused him to drop his beloved wombat, which was immediately run over by an egg lorry.

Comments Prof Prongg: "Mr Flabbie's experience is by no means unique.  Knees, together or singly, are taking over urban areas certainly, but we also have compelling evidence that the threat is rural, too, as shown by this picture snapped by Mrs Flora McMargerine (39) near Auchtermauchcterlochtiemochtie Castle, Dumfifeshire.
A visibly shaken Mrs McMargerine said "I was out shampooing my llamas when this huge pair of knees loomed out of the mist.  They stood there for a few minutes then made off, making that horrid noise, in the direction of the castle."

A police search ensued and no fewer than 27 pairs of knees were found nesting in the ancient castle.

Professor Prongg concludes:  "Alarm is spreading through the nation.  Knees are frightening things and the only way to control them is to encase them in denim or some other stout material.  This will lessen their urge to mate and induce a certain torpor. But this is dangerous work and a blow to the groin from an angry knee can be serious. I call upon the government to act now and bring in Army personnel who, with the aid of body armour, will be able to corral all feral knees until their natural migratory instincts kick in and they return to the Northern tundras for the summer."


  1. Manipulator of dead vegetation15 March 2013 at 19:03

    I would like to take issue with your ascertain that these feral knees are migratory. Accepting that they do have a preference for cooler climes, I do believe there is a strong possibility that they may be seen on a beech near you during The Summer. I do advise that precautions should be taken. You have been warned!

  2. in my previous post please insert assertion in place of 'ascertain', it will make more sense! Until my next overdue appointment at the opticians- yours -- Manipulator of---etc,etc, etc

  3. Dear Manipulator,

    I have never known any piece of writing on this particular blog make sense. I have made perfectly reasonable requests to be introduced to ladies in the photographs on here, only to be rebuffed with the assertion that they are not real women, but cartoons and not photos.

    I suspect you are correct that these infernal knees are, indeed, indigenous species whose breeding has merely got out of hand.

    I see that you are into dead vegetation. Isn't there a technical term for that, probably ending in '-phile'?

    Yours affectionately,

    1. There is a technical term for the perverse attraction to dead vegetation which I am reluctant to use as it describes my occupation but perhaps you might consider- 'wood file'?
      I believe that the 'non sensible" writings that occupies so much of the web is as a direct result of the influence of the Palace of Westminster and should not be blamed on us lesser bloggers after all "The Great and Good" are always right-aren't they?.
      Lastly Professor A. Prong is so sexy! I f you want to be introduced you will have to get in the queue!

  4. Interestingly, we're getting reports that some members are experiencing strange pulling sensations in their own knees - almost as if said joints wish to be elsewhere.


Go on... you want to say SOMETHING, don't you? Post under a made-up name if you're shy!