Friday, 29 March 2013

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir or Madam,

I was interested to read in your “On this Day” section reference to certain garden birds. Quite apart from regular garden forays from the Stoned Curlew, my husband and I have witnessed visits to our garden from the far rarer Completely Hammered Curlew. These dishevelled looking birds usually arrive in noisy groups, stagger about a bit, damaging my phlox, before being driven off by a mating pair of spectacled twites which live in a flowering turnip bush near our pond. Often they are assisted by our resident crested henfumblers when the latter tire of interfering with the chickens.

I hope that this has been of interest and will get my name in print.

Yours Truly,

Emily Bangtrouser (47) (Mrs) 

Dear Mr Pangolin,
I wonder if you can help me. I live in a one–bedroomed maisonette. I am a 76 year old widower with no plans to remarry though I do quite fancy Elsie Bridgestone who runs the bar down the British Legion. I want to know about the government’s new bedroom tax under which you get taxed if your bedroom is empty. Friends tell me that if I can’t afford to pay, the government can move somebody in. Does that mean that when I come back from the shops there’ll be a homeless person in my bedroom? Can I nominate somebody? I’d pick Elsie Bridgestone who is not exactly homeless but could be if I shop her to the council for cheating on her benefits.

Yours faithfully,

Alan Ballast


  1. I believe I may be related through her marriage to your correspondent, Mrs Emily Bangtrouser [above]. Research tells me that dating from Norman times when the name was rendered as "Pouf-Pantalon", there have been very few UK registered Bangtrousers. I have traced the line to myself and one other, the fabulously wealthy industrialist, Denzil Bangtrouser who married an Emily Trudge in 1991. I should be obliged if you could pass on these observations to Mrs Bangtrouser who might draw her fabulously wealthy husband's attention to them as presently I am absolutely skint.
    Terence Bangtrouser
    Name and address supplied.

    1. I've got your message, Tel, and I'm just plain telling you to eff off, right? You'd be fabulously wealthy yourself if you hadn't blown your fortune at Kempton Park, expensive holidays, loose women and heaps of booze and drugs.

      While all I did was work and put up with Emily. Green with envy I am. Well you've made your bed (or rather, I bet you didn't bother) and now you must lie on it (probably with some disease-ridden strumpet).

      Yours affectionately,

      Denzil xxx

  2. Den,
    Lovely to hear from you and I can but applaud your admirable work ethic, if not your English usage. Being a rather well-spoken sort of chap myself, I would willingly put to good use - at fashionable watering-holes like Kempton Park - any wads of cash you might put my way, by distributing said largesse whilst shouting, with impeccable diction, "I'm one of the Bangtrousers you know !" thus alleviating some of the coarseness you bring to the name.


Go on... you want to say SOMETHING, don't you? Post under a made-up name if you're shy!