Sources close to The Pangolin (BBC News, World Health Organisation & the Dalai Llama) reveal studies which show that eating one gramme of bacon can cause cancer, blindness, Richter–sensitive flatulence and acne.
Health correspondent Bridget Gobbie reports:
“After years of meticulous investigation dietary scientists have concluded that the bacon sandwich in its present form is a lethal concoction containing, as it does, bacon.
Dr. Lars Halfincher, head of the Brussels-based PWLIS (Proving What We Like Is Shite) centre said this morning at a crowded press conference:
“Our extensive studies, carried out in various locations over many years show that hundreds of people who ate bacon sandwiches died on a regular basis, and were quite often old. These studies did not include bacon eaters who were hit by heavy goods vehicles. Nevertheless, we at PWLIS feel that responsible governments throughout Europe should move now to issue stringent guidelines to the public. We have found that the average adult male can only safely consume one bacon sandwich every five years, and even then, only under careful medical supervision. Female consumption should not exceed half a bacon sandwich every seven point four years. Children under nine years should never be left unattended in the presence of a bacon sandwich“.
When questioned about sausages, black puddings, eggs and chips and fried bread, Dr Halfincher, visibly shaken, hurriedly consulted his notes and said, “It would take too long to say exactly how harmful these rogue foods are. Ideally they should be avoided at all costs. Suffice to say that in our studies, time and time again, people who have died as a result of cardiac arrest had at some time been exposed to a sausage.”
Here in the UK, Professor P J Whimbrel, sometime Special Adviser to Pangolin Health Matters agreed.
“The bacon sandwich is a killer." Professor Whimbrel went on: “The sooner people realize that if they really like what they eat, then it's probably bad for them. I would yet again recommend strongly that people adopt the PWLIS Ideal Diet forthwith."
For those unfamiliar with the Ideal Diet, a typical day’s intake would be:
Breakfast: Three small pebbles, sucked not fried, 10 grammes of diced thistle and 0.5 litres of rainwater.
Lunch: One tablespoon of sugar–free woodshavings.
Evening meal: Frogspawn, boiled with sycamore twigs.
Says Bridget Gobbie: “As a rule of thumb it's safe to say that if the food you’re thinking about eating is appetizing, tasty and smells delicious, some self-righteous bugger somewhere will tell you to go chew a carrot instead.”