Wednesday, 20 March 2013

We at Pangolin H.Q. are proud and excited to have acquired the services of astrological rebel Madge Fishwick, bête noir of the star world. Says Madge:

“I can’t be doing with all that planets, stars and heavenly bodies malarkey. I just get these feelings about people, when their birthdays are, and what sort of eyebrows they have. I work best with peoples’ belongings, especially their pin numbers and bank details, but failing that, if you send watches, partial dentures or socks to Pangolin HQ, I’ll give you a personal reading for £45.99p + VAT.

For this column though, which I should add, I’m doing for next to nothing, everything’s going to be fairly general. So let’s kick off with…

Aries.... Not a good week. If you’re an especially vain but balding, nonedescript bloke and you wear a wig, you will realize that people ARE sniggering behind your back. You will be consumed with feelings of revenge and on the 15th will be caught fiddling with the brakes on your boss’s car.

Taurus…. You were born under the so-called “practical” sign, but believe me, that’s total bollocks and when it comes to flat-pack furniture assembly, you’re just as inept anybody else. Watch out for that Stanley knife.

Gemini…. The Twins. Huh! Two people in one? Don’t you believe it. If you’re born under Gemini, you’re just an indecisive pain in the arse, forever changing your mind and irritating everybody. And yes, your bum looks huge in that. Because it is. It’d look big in a tent.

Well, thanks Madge. No punches pulled there. Brace youself for Cancer (oo-er!) Leo and Virgo (oh yeah?) coming soon!

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