Saturday, 23 March 2013

Museum Selection

The Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That is proud to offer you a preview of its latest range of gifts;  gifts that will last a lifetime, gifts that you will want to pass on to your children, gifts which will mark you out as a pretentious pillock with more money than sense!

Firstly, the 'Jackson Pollock' table cloth...
There was a time when you sighed and tutted when your children split their Ribena and icecream on your spotless linen table cloth.  You sighed, tutted and possibly even uttered rude words when they were old enough to spill red wine and regurgitated curries on it!

Let this be a thing of the past, with a wonderful 'Jackson Pollock' table cloth. Every trail of ketchup, salad cream and ink will become part of this masterpiece, which will gain in maturity with every passing generation.  You will be so entranced with the general slobbishness of your extended family, that you won't even want to wash it - thereby saving you the kind of household chore that really should be carried out by the servants in any case.

This beautiful item can be yours for only £1345.00.

The 'Paul Cézanne' Shelving Unit...
Billy Bookcases and their kin are for the riff-raff, let's face it.  To mark yourself out as a person of culture, treat yourself to one of these fabulous
hand-crafted pieces of furniture.  No two are exactly alike, the fixings being attached randomly by the factory cat and then removed randomly by the factory practical joker.

We understand your need to proclaim yourself as an intellectual, and this wonderful unit comes supplied with a  selection of books on a theme which you feel represents you to the world in the best light.  You will also get your own Cézanne apples, some of which may sit on the shelves, and some of which merely sit there all out of proportion whilst giving your guests a worrying distortion of perspective.

The available themes are:

Differential Equations in Beekeeping
Spectroscopy for Caterers
Social Foundations of Manhole Covers
History of Booties and other Knitwear
Greenfly for Beginners

Yours for only £125,000.00

The 'Damien Hirst' Aquarium...
Love the relaxing tranquility of an aquarium in the room, but keep forgetting to feed your fish?

Forget it!  We can supply you with a mammoth stuffed goldfish, freshly pickled in formaldehyde, which is guaranteed to stay as vibrant as the day you bought it!

When you've had your fill of looking at 'Goldie' staring to the left, simply turn the aquarium round to make him stare to the right.

With advance warning, we can even come and collect the dead shoal of fish from your current aquarium, prepare them and install them in the 'Damien Hirst' aquarium!  (£500 per fish).

The whole item including installation and goldfish as shown:  £150,000.


  1. As secretary of the British Knitted Garment Association, it falls to me to respectfully point out that in your piece about gifts available from the Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That, you refer to "booties". This should of course be "bootees"
    Celia Tumbrill, 57 [Mrs]

    1. My dear Mrs Tumbrill,

      I thank you profusely for pointing out the error. It should, of course, have read 'bow ties' and not 'booties', but it looks as though our proof reader has sloped off down the 'Pig and Whistle' again. Fear not - on his return he will be stripped, rolled in egg yolk and then bread crumbs, lightly fried in sunflower oil and eaten for tea.

  2. Friends tell me that your website is intended to be humorous and that much of it, including your erroneous reference small knitted foot coverings for babies, is in jest.
    I looked further, and have to tell you that I find no part of The Pangolin remotely amusing.
    Yours etc
    Celia Tumbrill [58 It was my birthday yesterday] Mrs

  3. I am a differential equationist and have never kept a bee in my life. Dung beetles on and off, but bees never.
    Dr G.X Whimbrel [no relation]


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