National Knee Scare - We Need Action Now!

The knee epidemic presently sweeping the country caught health bosses unprepared, says Professor Anna Prongg from Glossop Yooni and Mechanics' Institute.  "My colleagues and I have been urging local Health Authorities nationally to establish exactly how many of the rogue knees there are. Whilst we accept that unusual climatic conditions have encouraged normally migratory knees to settle here in the UK, we must understand that a healthy pair of knees will reproduce alarmingly quickly.  An immediate knee-cull is the only solution," says Professor Prongg.

Mr Alan Flabbie (43) sent us this shocking picture of a pair of adult knees in Ditchley town centre and says:  "I was just about to cross the road to take my stuffed wombat to the dry cleaners when a couple of these knees jumped right out in front of me.  Having been a Glossop United supporter all my life, I'm not easily scared, but I don't mind telling you the whole thing really shook me."

A distraught Mr Flabbie added that the shock caused him to drop his beloved wombat, which was immediately run over by an egg lorry.

Comments Prof Prongg: "Mr Flabbie's experience is by no means unique.  Knees, together or singly, are taking over urban areas certainly, but we also have compelling evidence that the threat is rural, too, as shown by this picture snapped by Mrs Flora McMargerine (39) near Auchtermauchcterlochtiemochtie Castle, Dumfifeshire.

A visibly shaken Mrs McMargerine said "I was out shampooing my llamas when this huge pair of knees loomed out of the mist.  They stood there for a few minutes then made off, making that horrid noise, in the direction of the castle."

A police search ensued and no fewer than 27 pairs of knees were found nesting in the ancient castle.

Professor Prongg concludes:  "Alarm is spreading through the nation.  Knees are frightening things and the only way to control them is to encase them in denim or some other stout material.  This will lessen their urge to mate and induce a certain torpor. But this is dangerous work and a blow to the groin from an angry knee can be serious. I call upon the government to act now and bring in Army personnel who, with the aid of body armour, will be able to corral all feral knees until their natural migratory instincts kick in and they return to the Northern tundras for the summer."

On This Day

Six Years Ago

Two members of Rolling Stones Tribute Band Strolling Cojones were released by Sussex Police with a caution, having been found in possession of suspicious substances that could be passed off as counterfeit drugs. Items confiscated included 3 small sealed paper wraps marked Travelodge, containing white crystalline matter identified in laboratory analysis as sugar. Also removed was one Mars bar long past its Use By date.

Eight Years Ago

Signs of economic downturn brought the threat of fresh redundancies to workers in the East Midlands employed in the bicycle wheel components industry. Unions representing all links in the supply chain voiced solidarity in the fight to save jobs. Members of the Guild of Brakefitters called for an immediate halt on plans for cutback, while colleagues from the Handlebarmakers’ Union said the industry was being steered in the wrong direction. Spokespersons for the Alliance of Rimforgers and Hubwelders stated that they were diametrically opposed to what was happening around them, adding, ’we’re all in this together.’

Fourteen Years Ago

A small but loyal band of members gathered for the Annual General Meeting of Wolverhampton Whalewatch to review sightings and reports for the previous year. There were no sightings in the previous year.

Pangolin Country Walks

With the ridiculous price of fuel forcing us to leave our shiny motors at home and public transport awash with Mr Cameron’s dreadful commoners, The Pangolin’s Rural correspondent, Diana Totter, poet and muse takes us on the first of a series of carefree strolls through our oft overlooked backwoods.

No 1. Glossop to Glossop via Strainer’s End and Big Nob. 6.2 miles. Going, easy, but with smelly bit near Stackdung Farm.

Leave Glossop on the A319. After four yards, turn left at the Haiwai Five O Tanning Centre into Poke Lane where little has changed since the fire of 2009. After 300yds look for a stile on the left whilst avoiding eye-contact with a big lurcher outside Scrap-R–Us. It is not dead. Mount stile. Note excellent view of back garden of No 47 Poke Lane. In good weather, resident Mrs Marion Feelie usually gets her kit off and doesn’t mind gawkers.

The hedgerow path rises gently through Stackdung Farm where you’ll often get a cheery “Sod off !” from Wilf Cramp who took over Stackdung way back in 2002, specializing in particularly pungent manure which he markets to other local farmers as a rambler deterrent.

Stackdung lane then takes you directly to the by-pass hard shoulder. Turn left again and its an easy five mile amble along the by-pass with its interesting selection of cars, vans, lorries and tankers, all going like the clappers because Glossop Council ditched its radar cameras months ago, to our starting point, the late Victorian but now sadly closed public conveniencies in the town centre. Look out in the last few hundred yards for Big Nob, bouncer at the Sultry Kow nightclub, who will be taking a late afternoon constitutional on his way to meet friends at The Pangolins Head public house. This popular watering hole stands less than 15 miles from another licenced premises, The Gummer’s Arms, built in 1843 to help slake the thirsts of local envelope sealers. 

But as this is nowhere near Glossop, further details are irrelevant.