The Pangolin can now reveal that Blagalot, the company that manages the weekly Lottery, has doubled its ticket price from one to two silver pennies. This is putting a great deal of pressure on working-class households, especially those thick enough not to realise that they can secretly NOT BUY Lottery tickets - and get away with it!
Yep - you read it right! The Lottery isn't like HMRC, who can take your money away from you before it even called you 'mother', or pursue you across seven seas using supernatural means and sniffer dogs, if necessary, to reclaim its revenue.
The Lottery hasn't yet got the resources to police their money collection, so we all need to get away with it while we still can.
J P Bumblethwaite (not his real name) of Flimwell smugly agrees: "Why, I've spent absolutely zilch on Lottery tickets for the last five years, and I've won just as much money as them next door and their annual Lottery bill's going up to 234 silver pennies. Mind you, I do like people to think I'm doing my bit, so I sometimes lurk near the Lottery counter in Morrison's and look menacing."
The Office for National Statistics said inflation figures would not be affected by the move, as Lotto spending is not included in the basket of goods it uses to calculate the rate. No, they'll be using falling revenues from betting on horses, dogs, pigs and pangolins to do that.