Saturday, 5 January 2013

The Pangolin can now reveal the government's latest tactics in the War on Obesity.  After all, when one's At War, the last thing one needs is an enemy who can vanquish one merely by plonking their vast bulk into one's lap. Especially if they then sit there, farting.

There are to be limits on the amounts of fat, sugar and salt in food.  "Why, it's not before time", observed Lizzi Titsrake of the Food Safety Council. "From now on, butter and margarine will be sold in packets no larger than 3cm x 1.5cm x 0.5cm.  And you'll only be able to buy one from each shop you visit.  Salt will only be available in those little blue twists of paper you used to get in crisp packets.  And as for sugar?  Everyone will be obliged to set forth with an icepick and carve their own (tiny) cubes from the EU sugar mountain. So yar boo sucks to you, Lardass!"

There will be a crackdown on pushers, too.  Those scandalous vans with names like "Mr Whippy" and "Supersoft Ice Cream" will be banned from purveying their wares outside schools and other places where impressionable youngsters, er, hang out - like behind bike sheds.  Anyone caught importing doughnuts or pizzas will face a hefty (sic) fine and face a lettuce diet for a minimum of 30 days.

There will be exceptions, of course.  Eric Pickles' Department is well known for spending around 4% of the GDP on custard tarts alone, and this is likely to continue throughout the campaign.  "After all", says Mr Pickles. "An army can march on MY stomach - we're performing a public service!"

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