The Pangolin Community Service Reporter, Bartley Gruntbugleigh, has conducted a survey amongst Pangolin's many party-goers last night (some of whom are not entirely human) - asking for their topical tips - which will mean complexions will be less green, stomping armies inside skulls less insistent and fewer letters of apology required, when next faced with a January 1st.
4,983 New Years' revellers were interviewed in a variety of locations across the country, including Glossop, Cricket St Thomas, Margate and Goole, and the results were amazingly consistent. These results are best consumed on December 31st. Or not, as the case may be.
- Willies are scarier than tits. Remember this if you're a bloke wearing a skirt (this includes priests' robes) and put on clean undies first. Or not, as the case may be.
- If you're a bloke, frilly undies and French knickers are scarier than Dreadnought thunderbox male undergarments. The reverse is true for ladies. Not sure if this applies if you're a Catholic priest.
- If you're going to a venue which has a cloakroom, check whether this is a euphemism for 'Bog' before relieving yourself in a corner. Being a drunken fart is no excuse.
- If you go out wearing a tail, particularly a long furry one, don't forget you've got it on when you visit the lavatory. If you normally go out like this then you've probably got the hang of it, but is a common mistake made by novices.
- Similarly, wings - especially if they're artificial ones and don't grow there naturally - can be as lethal as rucksacks if you turn round suddenly. Though a couple of pirouettes can beat off unpleasant opposition such as drunken men with scary hairy beards with chickens living in them - and charity muggers.