Thursday, 17 January 2013

Ask Lady Violet

Dear Lady Vi,

Recently, my sweet ten year old niece made THE most awful gaffe during her first hunt. As custom dictates, The Master went to blood my niece with the expired fox’s tail and Jocasta, for that is her name, in a moment of confusion, ate it. Since then we have been shunned by all and sundry. What can I do?

Yours in desperation,

The Right Honourable Alice Fairchild-Twait

Lady V: My dear Alice,

My heart goes out to both you and Jocasta in your plight. Thank you very much for enclosing the photographic likeness of Jocasta - which instantly gave a clue as to how best to deal with this negative situation. I note that it is a proper photograph and not one of those ghastly images conveyed by those so called ‘mobile phones’.Simply remove the fox’s tail so that the end of it is no longer dangling out of her mouth. Better still, instruct one of the servants to do this. Tell them to be sure to wipe around her mouth to remove any telltale traces of its existence - dried blood, faeces, the odd scrap of fur etc - and your ‘shunning’ friends will forget the unfortunate incident ever happened.

In all likelihood they will be too busy worrying that their teenage progeny are contemplating acts of violence against the establishment. Like getting a tattoo, for example.

Dear Lady Vi,

I have a pet horsefly called Ken. I have had him for ages at least three weeks but for the last two days he just lies on his back in his box and doesn’t move. I go to First Aid classes at Cubs and I tried the Heimlich (sic) manouvre on Ken. There was a sort of crackling noise but he still didn’t move. Mummy says he’s dead and why don’t I get a slug or something instead.

Yours fathfuly

Gavin John Punt (9)

Lady V: Dear Gavin,

I expect your Mummy calls you ‘Gav’, doesn’t she?I expect you eat at McDonalds and if you actually manage to get five French Fries - after your Mummy’s been at them - she probably thinks you’ve had your ‘five-a-day’, doesn’t she?

The only solution, dear child, is to put yourself up for adoption at the first available opportunity. Explain that your Mummy is in the habit of putting dead flies in your bedroom and that you wish to avail yourself of a family with decent moral values.

Dear Lady Violet,

I have found to my dismay that my wellington boots are infested with poultry. If that weren’t bad enough, not a minute goes by without me thinking about this obsessively, including when lovemaking. What should I do?

Trumpington Thundering-Bore, OBE

Lady V: Dear Trumpy,

Wellington boots are to be avoided. They mark you out as an arriviste, and are worn mainly by the newly rich criminal fraternity. If, however, you find that having your feet and lower limbs encased in rubber helps in the rumpty-tumpty department, poultry infestation can be avoided by popping a fox turd into each boot prior to sexual engagement.

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