Thursday, 21 February 2013

Jury dismissed after Judge chews his own foot off

A Jury at the Old Bailey were dismissed today when the Judge simply gave up in despair.

The trial concerned one Cindy Spanker (62), who was accused of shoplifting three cases of Havana cigars and an inflatable rubber dolphin after her husband Ronnie (28) was arrested with them in his pocket and denied all knowledge.  She is pleading 'Not Guilty' on the grounds of marital coercion.
"My Ronnie's such a tinker", she pleaded. "He threatened to hide my pile cream if I didn't take the rap. That, AND let all the pigeons out of the flat."

Justice Fergus Thumbs (124) was getting jolly fed up with the silly questions pouring forth from the Jury;  while jurors are generally encouraged to improve their general knowledge and moral probity by asking questions of wise and learned gentlemen, it transpired that they had arrived at the Central Criminal Court by accident, thinking that they were going to be extras for a broadcast of 'Rumpole of the Bailey'.

Justice Thumbs was seen hopping from the Court muttering that he'd not seen anything so ridiculous since 'Today in Parliament' and 'The Muppets Show'.  The questions he particularly objected to were the following:

  • Why are you wearing that stupid wig?  Anyone can see it doesn't fit you.
  • Are you allowed to say that the defendant's a nutjob?
  • Given the large number miscarriages of justice in British legal history, should we just settle this one by a toss of the coin?
  • Have you got a 50p piece? (please refer to previous question).
  • Where's the lavatory?
Justice Thumbs was last spotted in a small cafĂ© just round the corner.  It looked as though he had been crying, and the waitress was trying to console him with a raspberry lollipop.


  1. I was a member of that jury and I resent all the crap things as have been said about us. We was only doing what we was supposed to be doing like finding out if that Hewn woman was lying. For me, they was both telling porkys. Besides, we all take points for our blokes right so whats the big deal.
    yours truely
    Candice Fairweather [34, Mrs]

  2. My Dear Mrs Fairweather,

    The Hewn trial (sic) was taking place next door, Court No. 2. This trial was in Court No.3.

    There's a lot of it about I'm afraid.

  3. So what you're saying is that evidence from one trial can't be used in another trial ? That's why the law takes so long and you legal basterds get paid so much.


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