… and now, In Our Time, with Evelyn Bagg…

Evelyn:

Thanks - today’s discussion focuses, as always, on an obscure dead person who hardly anybody’s heard of and of those who have, only three think is interesting. Let me introduce our panel – academics all and damned lucky to get any funding these days from that Philistine, Gove.

First, Emeritus Professor of, amongst other things, Yodelling, Dr P J Whimbrel. 

To his left is Dr Marjorie Sideways, acknowledged expert in early Greek string, and, finally, Dr Kurt Ekkelzkake whose exhaustive studies into the effectiveness of human saliva as an adhesive lead us neatly to today’s subject, Carl-Heinz Gruber the much-overlooked and some would say crap mid 20^th century composer. Marjorie Sideways, perhaps you’d like to kick us off….

Marj:

Well, yes, thank you – Carpericles was a 2nd Century AD hermit who lived, legend has it, in an empty yak on the southern shore of the Aral Sea, close to trading routes. He was notorious in that area for leaping out of the yak to shower abuse on passing caravans. The recently translated writings of Simon of Dyptheria suggest that Carpericles shouted things like, “Why don’t you f…”

Evelyn:

Excellent, excellent Marjorie – that gives us a real flavour of the man. Professor Whimbrel…

Marj:

Hang on – I haven’t finished…it was the writings of Simon about the mysterious Carpericles which inspired Gruber to write his first symphony – a haunting work which captures the peculiar acoustics which can only be heard inside an empty yak.

Evelyn:

Ah! Right, right, I see....

Marj:

AND he was the first western composer to use custard in brass instruments.

Evelyn:

Well there you go. I never knew that. Professor Whimbrel, you…

Marj:

AND he anticipated Cage’s 4.3 Minutes of Silence, by leaving the entire third movement empty. Hauntingly yak-like.

Prof Whimbrel:

Oh for God’s sake woman, will you stop blathering on. You’ve had your turn. Besides, we all know that Gruber was a shite composer!

Ekkelzkake:

Absolutely! Gruber voss a ver bad composer, musician and person. He deserves to be forgotten.

Evelyn:

Well that’s really opened things up. Professor Whimbrel, you were saying …?

Prof Whimbrel:

Yes I was, wasn’t I? Before I was interrupted by an expert on Greek string! Huh, Greek string! How bloody useless is THAT?

Marj:

That’s typical of you, Whimbrel – pouring scorn on the achievements of others whilst lording it in your college rooms yodelling. Wimpy Whimbrel! that’s what they used to call him you know – Wimpy Whimbrel, the Yousless Yodeller!

(sounds of mikes being scuffed and furniture overturning)

Marj:

Aaaagh!

Prof Whimbrel:

Uuurgh!

Ekkelzkake:

Vy iss der recordink not beink turned off? Der little red light iss still shinink. Also, Gruber interfered mit goats.

Evelyn:

Ah, well, now… nobody can say that passions don’t run high on In Our Time. Now that Professor Whimbrel has found his dentures and Dr Sideways her pills, let’s push on with Dr Ekkelscake’s interesting assertions with regards to Gruber’s work with animals.

Ekkelzkake:

Ja, ja, he vos ver interested in der vocal capabilities of der goats undt secured der verds off well-known songs to zer faces mit zer old-fashioned brown paper schticky tape vot you heff to spit on. Zen he would try to accompany zer goats on his gong.

Evelyn:

Fascinating stuff – absolutely fascinating, and I read here in your notes that whilst no recordings of Gruber’s goats survive, his neighbours reported a passable rendition of Handel’s Messiah from time to time. And with that, I’m afraid time’s beaten us so…

Marj (for it is she):

I’d just like to add that to the true scholar, Gruber was a pioneer. Only small closed minds could think him otherwise.

Prof Whimbrel:

How about a medium sized closed fist?

Pip, pip, pip, peep, pip. This is BBC Radio 4...