The Glossop Council of Churches has had a whip-round amongst all its congregation, the staff of local shops, the manager of Betfred and even a couple of cider drinkers on a park bench, to raise funds for St Lightfinger, the local rehab centre for kleptomaniacs.
Reverend Mudskipper (St Botolph's) explained to The Pangolin that they were sick and tired of the centre's residents being kleptomaniacs in the local area. "They've had all the tiles off the roof, all the hymn books and even a jolly good go at the font - which was a bit worrying because that's actually carved out of a stalagmite growing in the Lady Chapel. What we're hoping is that either this generous sum will cure this bunch of wankers, or provide proper security so they can't get out. You can buy a lot of manacles for over £4,000,000.63".
The manager of St Lightfinger, Persimmon Crump, was unavailable for comment because someone had nicked his trousers.