Monday, 31 March 2014

Glossop University Science Department Overrun by Huge Rats!

Professor Rastus Bonkle: "We're hoping to take over Home Economics next!"

Scientists believe rats could eventually grow to the size of sheep or even bigger as they evolve to fill vacant ecological niches - as humans drive just about all other species to extinction. There have been reports of blocked sewers and drainpipes, as rats find that their legendary speeds can no longer be matched in the face of increased girth.

Rats are expected to adapt to whatever situation they find themselves in; already they are sharing the obesity epidemic with humans - as pavement pizzas contain ever-increasing amounts of fat, salt and e-numbers. Animals can easily evolve to be larger; when dinosaurs roamed the High Street, mammals were very small, but extinction of the big chaps paved the way for impressively-sized rats which resembled sabre-toothed tigers and even quite furry mammoths. Why, Moby Dick's great-great-great grandfather was only the size of a walrus.

Rats will have a major influence on the geological future of the Earth and over time were likely to produce "some remarkable descendants". 

Luckily, they're not stupid enough to create things like hedge funds, start nuclear wars or invent chemicals which will kill off all the bees. Or, come to that, build link roads in the middle of flood plains.


  1. As Prof Bonkle's P.A. I should point out a typographical error in your otherwise welcome report. "Grow to the size of a sheep" should read, "Grow to the size of a Jeep."
    Yours etc.
    Janice Ennis [43, Miss]

  2. "Sheep size of Jeep" is a little-known classic by Dr Seuss; a follow-up to "Rats gettin' Fat" and "Gutbucket ate all the Pies"

  3. Great to get some REAL knowledge here !


Go on... you want to say SOMETHING, don't you? Post under a made-up name if you're shy!