Thought for the Day, from Justin Webly, more or less Arch. of Cant.

Hullo, 

Justin here, and I must confess to a certain confusion in my understanding of modern, contemporary terminology. In fact I have delayed the submission of my hugely popular Thought for the Day in this instance precisely because of that confusion.

As head of what I like to call “the peoples’ Church”, I feel that I must try to keep up with modern forms of speech. Things like “square” and “Daddy-oh” etc. But it seems that no sooner have I mastered one and allowed it to seep into my everyday language, along comes another. Many are puzzling. “Ming” – obviously the root of “minging” has, I discovered (thanks to the young man with the wire in his ear) got absolutely nothing to do with Chinese ceramics, just as “wicked” no longer applies to something evil.

You can, therefore, imagine my bafflement when I read that two celebrities, one a certain film star called Gwendolyn Portnoy and the other the musician Martin Christopher (leader of a beat combo called Cold Cream) have, according to the newspapers achieved “conscious uncoupling”. My first reaction was one of delight in the idea of celebrities having any interest at all in railways, although I seem to remember one or two actually own splendid steam locomotives. I was further convinced by the young man with the wire in his ear telling me that one of Cold Cream’s tunes is called “Fix You” – which has obviously mechanical overtones.

        

You might imagine my embarrassment when my lady wife, roaring with laughter, explained the true meaning of this odd term. I was about to thank her when Thomas Aquinous, our lovely Cairn Terrier leapt on to her lap, spilling copious amounts of Vladivar vodka all over itself and my better half. A chance spark from my lady wife’s cigarillo started a significant conflagration and were it not for the timely intervention of the young man with the wire in his ear, I hate to think of what might have happened. He sprang across the room in an impressively athletic fashion and poured the water from two vases of daffodils over the canine and human casualties. 

Fortunately, no real injuries were sustained. My lady wife’s delightfully patterned flannel pyjamas were ruined of course and poor Thomas is rather charred around his hind quarters, but after a few Goodog treats and a large tumblerful of Jim Beam, both brave parties carried on as if nothing had happened. When the young man with the wire in his ear eventually stopped screaming with laughter, I did point out to him that his timely and effective action with the daffodil water is exactly what Jesus would have done.