Saturday, 19 October 2013

Your Wildlife – SPECIAL EDITION !

Hi! Its Josh and Willow here, and long time no see, Willow!
Yes indeed Josh. It's so good to be back up here on the fells amongst the wild life we love so much!
You’re right there Willow, and might I say how windswept and sexy you look today, with those skin-tight jeans showing off your pert little b… CUT! CUT!

OK let’s go again please, and Josh, stop fiddling with yourself… OK, CAMERA. Action!

So, Josh, what brings us up here today? The arrival of Blebbie’s Crested Thrippit all the way from Reyjkavik? The annual shrew huddle? Or more boring shite about how important bees are?

Well, no Willow. Its something much more serious than that.
Oh no Josh! Its not the …
Yes Willow, it’s the BADGER CULL! And here’s someone who knows all about culls. Why its Kill Bill Baxendale!
Hello Bill! Great to see you again!
And who’s that I can see lurking in the heather?
I think its… yes… its that master of wild life, Ivan Lentil!
Ja. Ve ‘ere to ‘elp cull de cullers. I track. ‘E shoot.
But Ivan, its been clinically proved that badgers pass TB to cows and the cull is to rid the countryside of infected badgers.
Iss how you say, bulwarks. No more proof off dat dan dis psycho tink fenceposts spread TB. Besides, badgers iss varm and cuddly and funny. Cullers are not.
Oh dear, well, it looks like we have a situation here, and as I speak… Josh, is that a 4x4 approaching, up the hill, full of cullers?

Ivan, what..? Ooh, where’s he gone?
Well, Willow, he and Kill Bill appear to have melted into the landscape like the skilled wilderness experts they are….
Ah, now, that’s interesting, the 4x4 appears to have had a puncture. I wonder if…
Ooh Josh, another puncture!
Yes Willow, that’s almost unheard of, with those Tundragrip 17x220s the 4x4 has fitted!
Wow, Willow – that’s three! And what’s that I can hear?
It’s a Police helicopter Josh – look!
Oh Willow, I love it – the way your slim-fitting cagoul strains against your breasts when you point upward…
CUT,CUT,CUT! OK everybody – hands on heads like the officer says. BOTH hands Josh. And just stay where you are…
Oh no Willow. Somebody’s shot the end off the helicopter! The sticky-out bit with the little windmill thing on it.
You’re right Josh and I bet the policemen are going to be pretty mad about that.
Yes Willow, they’re all crowding around their wounded helicopter now. Some are crying. And the cullers are rushing to their aid with tissues…

Erm Josh..?
Yes Willow?
They seem to have forgotten about us… what say we sort of slip away...?
Or we could stay here, lying down together behind this gorse bush and…
Ooooh, Josh! Are the cameras still rolling?
Yes, I think they are.
Oh all right then…

Further up the hill…

Bill, iss dat a bare ass I ken see down dere?
Could you hit it from ‘ere?



  1. Oh ! If only, if only ! I wish someone would shoot those horrid, horrid men - I bet they ARE men - who are being so beastly to such warm and cuddly creatures.
    Gwendoline Bogeynose

  2. Gwendoline ! Good Heavens ! I had no idea you were a Pangolin Wildlife follower. I don't think we've seen each other since the Save The Crane Fly campaign. Ah ! Heady Days ! Do tell, did you eventually marry that boss-eyed, spotty, malodorous, flatulent Gerard person ? Or are you still screwing the tractor salesman ?

  3. Oh gosh, yes.....sorry......its Piers darling - you remember - good old Wigan - back in the day I had the Hunt Ball Portaloo franchise.

  4. Now... remind me. Are you the one with the pair of boxer shorts with smiley faces on, or the one who used to cover his chest with goose-grease and stitch himself into his underwear for the winter months? It's just that I recall a couple of coves by the name of Piers who owned the Hunt Ball Portaloo franchise in Wigan. I believe it was Gawain who made his fortune selling used cigars to the management team.


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