Monday, 28 October 2013

Tesco Health and Safety Advice 28/10/13. To all employees.

Please note SRGs (Shoppers’ Routes Diagrams) in (1) and (2): Route (1) is more liable to be taken by Elbow Steerers, Massive 2 Trolleyers and Dopes, whilst Route (2) is favoured by Irritables and Quickies.

Type Descriptions:
  • Elbow Steerers. Tend to be female, elderly and bad-mannered. Elbow Steerers lean heavily on trolley because of bad back/hips/knees.Will push in.Tend to use ROUTE ONE.
  • Dopes. Can come in family groups. Are stupid. Gossip with other Dopes. Mouth breathers. Will bang their car doors against cars they’ve parked too close to. Leave trolleys parked across aisles whilst gossiping. Exclusively ROUTE ONE.
  • Irritables. Young mothers with screaming babies. Hated by everybody.Would like to use ROUTE ONE, but screaming baby forces use of ROUTE TWO.
    • Quickies. Invariably male. Approximately ten times faster than all other categories. Tend to forget to purchase 50% of what they were sent to buy. Exclusively ROUTE TWO.
    • Massive 2 Trolleyers. A real hazard. Tend to block out all light in narrower aisles. Two trolleys because they tend to buy in double-double-bulk. Exclusively ROUTE ONE. Occasional two hour delay whilst emergency services free them from the tight turn next to Reduced Items.


    1. Hahaha. Belonging to Group d (Quickies) myself, though usually with basket not trolley, I make it a point of honour to reach the exit doors ahead of the slow person who was ahead of me at the checkout and who had me foaming at the mouth by the time they had finally taken their leave and trundled off. Overtaking on the stretch between checkout and exit is not difficult, but I have, twice now, reached such speed on this manoeuvre that I've hit the automatic doors before they had time to open. That is something that leaves one looking an even bigger prat than everyone else in the store. Sadly, I'm not making this up.

    2. That's OK. At least you were trying to move things along. Although you don't specify, I bet the Dope at the checkout who held you up had loads of bloody vouchers, didn't they ?

    3. Where do they keep the firelighters?

    4. Where does who keep the firelighters ?

    5. Ah. Next to the bleach in Household Goods usually, but this can vary. I once saw firelighters next to ear wax remover in the Walthamstow Tesco. Strange, or what ?

    6. Not strange if you'd ever met the manager there, Gustav Stripe. He managed to run a small candle-making business from his left ear before HMRC had him for non-payment of Class 2 NI Contributions.

    7. A Word From Tesco;
      Helen Soothingly from Tesco's Customer Service Dept. writes ; " I should point out that Mr Stripe is no longer in Tesco's employ.
      We published the diagrams indicating customer flow to help all customers make their way around our stores as easily as possible. That some customers are stupid, insensitive, thoughtless, directionless, fat dopes is not something Tesco can do anything about."

    8. Love the floorplans! its exactly how it is!


    Go on... you want to say SOMETHING, don't you? Post under a made-up name if you're shy!