First choice is a fabulous book, ‘Recipes from your Rockery’. You’ve already had more than your fair share of tedious tomes dictating what to do with the produce from your vegetable patch, but this remarkable volume tells you how to make the most of an area of your garden not normally associated with delicious food. It features such classics as mud pies, rock cakes, pebble cakes and, for the modern gardener, chocolate concrete. Published by the British Dental Association, it also includes a money-off voucher for your first eight bouts of denture repair. Notice how I didn’t say “something to get your teeth into”. Arf arf!
I’ve also found this ‘Love ‘em and leave ‘em’ sack, available from the RHS. Looking remarkably like an old-fashioned mail bag, you simply put your fallen leaves in one of these, dump it in a corner of the garden (preferably someone else’s) and when you return three years later, you’ll have forgotten where you put it. If your relative’s looking green all over - and not just the fingers - they also provide handy storage for the body while you wonder whether to call the police or not. Of course, this may mean you end up in an institution where you make mail bags yourself, but these days we’re all in favour of participating in the wondrous cycle of nature.