Sunday, 23 December 2012

Dear Lady Violet...

Dear Lady Violet,

I suspect that my fifteen year old son is becoming increasingly sceptical regarding the identity of Father Christmas.  Each year my husband, Kenneth, despite being a monopedal man, has donned the Santa suit and performed the full 'ho-ho-hoing' routine whilst depositing presents in his stocking.  Last year on Christmas morning I'm sure I detected a hint of recognition on the boy's face.  Do you think it's time I told him the truth?  It seems such a shame to spoil the magic though.

Maureen Futtock (Mrs), Norcs

Lady V:

Dear Mrs Futtock,

I am stunned.  The fact that you have sustained this ridiculous fiction for so long has probably caused your son irreparable harm.  Experts (including myself) agree that prolonged indulgence of a boy's childish fantasies inevitably leads to bed-wetting, erectile dysfunction and lisping.  I suggest you take the poor boy aside and tell him the brutal truth at once.

Dear Lady Violet,

I need your advice on a delicate matter. Every Christmas, my father insists on dressing up as Santa, despite the fact that I am nearly 16. I have known it was him for years as in all the pictures of Santa he    is depicted with two legs whereas my father has been missing his left one since being trampled by a cow on a childhood trip to Morecambe in 1972. I don’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings by ruining
the magic. What can I do?

Anon, Norcs

Lady V:

Dear Anon,

Leave home at once and sue your parents for psychological abuse.  Also buy a rubber mattress cover.

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