Monday, 17 December 2012

Dear Lady Vi,

Whilst I am only 4’3” tall and weigh a little over 5 stones, I have an absolutely huge bum. I have been invited to this year’s Glossop Hunt Ball, but wonder whether I should accept. Suggestions from friends include the adoption of a bustle or the attachment of false legs on the underside of said natural protrusion. This last seems rather silly as I’d appear to be being stalked by a headless midget. What CAN I do?


Veronica Turps (Miss)

Lady V: Dear Veronica,

Your concerns are quite normal for someone of your impressionable age, especially as headless midgets are simply so common. You will need to disguise yours as something else; possible solutions could include the addition of a turnip with a face mask to the upper ledge of your posterior, together with a cummerbund featuring a pair of hands apparently clasped to your waist. This would give the appearance of having a devoted admirer unable to let go of you, and could be regarded as something of a conversation piece.

If, however, you wish to make the acquaintance of some eligible young gentleman and feel the above would not improve your chances, you can always hire a powerchair and a pure silk parachute. Sit in the chair, which will fulfil all your ambulatory needs, and get your dressmaker to construct a skirt from the parachute, sufficiently large to cover the entire ensemble and leave nobody any the wiser as to the dimensions of your derriere.

P.S. Thank you for including the photograph of those two gigantic spheres. Was it taken at The National Space Centre?

Dear Lady Vi,

I’m sure, like me, you remember the dark days of WW2. You may also remember that it was possible in that distant time to purchase sensible, sturdy male underclothing, including the ever reliable “Dreadnought” brand which featured a unique blast-proof gusset. 

My dear husband Hugh, now in his nineties, recently blew his last remaining pair of Dreadnoughts to pieces during a curried egg binge. I have searched in vain for a supplier. I wonder, therefore, if you might know of anywhere these excellent garments may still be purchased.

I am,

Yours sincerely

Marjorie Pugh-Whaffle

Lady V: My dear Marjorie,

It seems you are the unwitting victims of the do-gooding, limp-wristed, wishy washy current legislation surrounding toxic emissions.

To avoid prosecution, and global warming, you may find it useful to contact Kelvedon Hatch Ltd, well known for their constructions which will withstand nuclear attack. Should their material not prove sufficiently sturdy, remember to keep your sunroof open whilst out driving with your husband.

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