Dear Lady Vi,
I am a spook at GCHQ, and much of my work is really, really secret, such as - I have recently found out that the people who are running the country are little more than *independently wealthy rich types who haven’t got a clue about ordinary peoples’ lives. I am seriously thinking of going public with this information, like that American fellow did, but I am a bit worried that GCHQ’s Black Operations department [ which doesn’t officially exist, but does really, and goes about the place killing people who spill the beans about what really goes on in the government, and about which I can say nothing] might be ordered to assassinate me.
I realise that your column usually deals with bonking and unrequited love and such, but I would really appreciate any advice you might be able to give me.
Barnaby Krill (not my real name, which is Donald Mc Pippie)
* P.S. I have photographs of D*v*d C*m*r*n and Ni*k Cl*gg being independently wealthy.
You must, MUST, keep this information to yourself.
If it gets out that your real name is Donald McPippie, people will laugh at you nearly as much as they'll laugh at you for keeping photos of the people who run this country. (Unless, that is, you keep them on a dart board).
Discretion is the better part of valour. You need to get yourself a suit with proper matching tie and handkerchief so as to blend in with everyone else at the Job Centre.
And you really do need to practise your bonking. It will take your mind off those terrible photos.
- Lady V
Dear Lady Vilet,
I of ritten a book an I sent it to a self publising companny an thay sed it was great adn printied it just as id sent it and sed it was wonerful but now pipple tell me its crap an full of speling misakes.
Dosent thes compenys care aboutt ther books? What shuld I do with all those boks in the spere bedroom?
Hermione Blenkinsopp (at lest I think that's how you spel it)
My dear Miss Blenkinsopp,
I am assuming your unmarried status because no gentleman of worth would ever seek your hand in marriage given your truly atrocious grasp on the English language. I would also guess that the self-publishing company you refer to charged you the earth to bring your pathetic spelling to the page.
My dear girl, forget writing, get a job, probably in service and preferably in a position where you would not have to speak much as I suspect your grammar is as bad as your spelling. As for the books in the spare bedroom - winter will soon be upon us. Burn them. Burn them all!
Yours in kindly sisterhood,
- Lady Vi