Monday, 22 October 2012

Your Wildlife

A regular programme dedicated to the fairly boring old stuff you’ll be able to see given your sedentary lifestyles. No white rhinos here!

Your reporters, Willow McFadden (a real hand–wringer when it comes to the small furries) and Josh Grafter (who knows damn all about wildlife, but is good-looking and provides a bit of eye-candy for those who like that sort of thing. Josh is constantly amazed at anything vaguely wildlife–ish Willow might say in her breathless, orgasmic delivery).

Visiting experts include: local farmer Kill Bill Baxendale who will shoot anything. Kill believes that cows can get T.B. from fenceposts.

Environmentalist Joanna Nice who is even wetter than Willow.

Survival specialist Ivan  Lentil who perfected the collection, preparation and serving of pebbles during the siege of Sarajevo.

So, there you have it.

Over now to Willow...

Smiles, checks carefully disarranged hair. 

“Hello, and welcome to Your Wildlife!"
“I say, look! I don’t know much about these things, but isn’t that a tit?”

Willow zips up anorak, glares at Josh. 

“Actually no it isn’t, Josh, but it’s a very easy mistake to make. That’s a Godolphin’s Warbler, first recorded by the Rev E A Godolphin way back in the late 1700s. Like the tit, it only has two legs, one head and a beak and flies about quite a lot, too”.

“Huh well thanks Willow, I’ve a lot to learn about the countryside, that’s for sure. But wait! I’ve just stepped on something soft. Its not running away or anything. But what is it, Willow?”

“That’s cow shit, Josh”
(distant BANG!)

Willow:  “Hear that Josh?”

Josh:  “Certainly did Willow. Was it a car backfiring?”

Willow:  “Up here on the high meadows above Glossop?”

Josh:  "Gosh yes. I see what you mean Willow. I’ve certainly got a lot to…”

Willow: “Stop saying that!”

Willow:  “There – up on the skyline – it's Kill Bill Baxendale culling fenceposts! Let’s go and have a word with a true son of the soil, eh Josh?”

Josh:  “Right-ho Willow. Suits me!”

Willow:  “Yo! Bill! What are you up to this fine morning?"

Kill Bill (for it is he): “I’m just sendin’ a few of these disease-ridden vermin back to their maker."

Josh: “And is it working?”

Kill Bill: "Well, in a manner of speakin’ it 'as…except…

Willow: “Except what Bill?”

Kill Bill: “All me cows 'ave buggered off.”

Willow: “So, on that difficult note which illustrates some of the problems faced by farmers with mental health issues, we’ve come to the end of this edition of Your Wildlife. Be sure to join us next time when I’ll be teaching Josh the difference between crap and creatures and also passing on a few tips about how to care for injured tits."

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