Recently, whilst shopping in Knutsford, I happened upon my local MP, George Osborne. I immediately lost control and smacked him across the face with a kilo of cod loin just purchased from the excellent Booth’s supermarket delicatessen (they do a very good boil-in-the-bag yak rump, too).
You can imagine the ensuing chaos which involved Osborne staggering backwards and upsetting a buggy containing Kyle (aged 14 months) and pushed by mum Traci (23). Despite being on probation for assault outside the nearby Move Yo Ass nightclub some weeks ago, Traci set about Osborne again – with my cod-loin which had fallen to the floor after its first contact.
Prior to my case being heard, I have submitted to tests and the psychiatrist I spent some time with has assured me that either the DPP will not bring the case to court, or if they do, it will be dismissed, because – and I found this so, so encouraging – many medical experts now view Osborne as having a face which cries out to be smacked and that I had no choice but to do so. Much as one might swat away a bluebottle.
My question to you is – can I claim for the ruined cod loin?
Dear Ms Wheee,
You can indeed claim for your ruined cod. However, your compensation will be calculated on its value had it not suffered the assault by Mr Osborne's visage. Despite cod being quite rare these days - due to over-fishing in the North Sea - I note that this fish has now been unrefrigerated for sixteen days and has remained in the old video cabinet in your lounge during that time. I wouldn't bother to claim. The chances are that you'd end up having to pay someone to bury it, especially with those still-detectable traces of Osborne's aftershave on it.
Dear Lady Vi,
The Bible tells us that we should not covet our neighbour’s ass. What does this mean?
Yours in Jesus
The Rev Wendy Heaver.
My dear Reverend Heaver,
This is simply an injunction that we should not look upon a neighbour's ass and have thoughts along the lines of 'hide the sausage', 'drive the beef bus to tuna town' or 'park the pink submarine'. Similarly, to look upon our neighbour's donkey in such a fashion would be a sin.
Dear Lady Vi,
I have soon to make a decision about a mad old bat who socked George Osborne with a dead fish. Psychiatrists tell me that he asks for this sort of thing by just being somewhere. What can I do?
Keir Starmer DPP.
Dear Mr Starmer,
Those psychiatrists are technically correct. Indict Mr Osborne for conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace instead.
Dear Lady Vi,
My husband has become very boring. His new hobby is watching peoples’ hair grow.
Ann Greatwobbler (Mrs*, no relation)
P.S. There might be a cousin in New Zealand.
My dear Ann,
How fortunate you are; you can rest assured that this dreary man will not stray, or even move from the spot for months at a time. What better opportunity to acquire for yourself a granny-grabber, or toyboy, as I believe they are colloquially known! However you may wish to keep your name as 'your little secret' and not reveal it to potential suitors. Likewise your membership of the Bladder Control Support Group.