Arriving close on the heels of our previous revealing piece is another one from investigative reporter Tom Cruise (not his real name, and this is being typed by an actor). Pangolin Travel has long been concerned about air fare add-ons, or as the industry calls them, “Customer Financial Participation Opportunities”, or CUFPO.
Tom spoke with Bryan O’ Grabby, CEO of Bryanair in one of Bryanair’s executive lounges at a leading UK airport which cannot be named for legal reasons, near Gatwick.
“So Bryan – you don’t mind me calling you Bryan?”
“You can call me Mary Poppins so long as the price is right.”
"OK, well, Bryan, here we are in one of Bryanair’s Executive Lounges, and I must say its very different from other Executive Lounges I’ve been in."
“I’m sitting on the floor”
“Its clean, isn’t it?"
“But you’re in a chair.”
“I’m the bloody boss, sonny, besides, as you well know, seats anywhere within the Bryanair operation are extra. Except for me, and I can do whatever I bloody well please."
“Right, well that seems to answer quite a few of my questions before I’ve asked them, but I wonder if you’d like to expand a little on Bryanair’s pricing policies, such as charging for water, toilet visits, baggage, heavy clothing, seats and looking out of the window?”
“No, I would not.”
“But Bryanair’s public image is one of a money-grabbing organization which puts profit before customer comfort.”
“I could give a shit. Look sonny, I’m drop-dead rich. I do what I do because I can."
“So your company’s reputation doesn’t bother you?”
“No. Now (looks at watch) I’ve a plane to catch."
“Oh, that’d be a great shot – the boss travelling on one of his own planes!”
“Are you mad!? The only seats on a Bryanair jet are full of pilots. Although why we need two is beyond me. No, I’ll be going on one of whatsisname’s planes. Branston, that’s the man. Lots of legroom and free peeing."
(Gets up, turns to leave) “Oh and by the way, that’ll be £110.97p you’ll be owing me.”
“£110.97p ? What on earth for?”
“Sitting in my Executive Lounge”