Monday, 29 October 2012

Business Tips for New Bosses

So – there you are, replete with Degree in Business Studies (with Golf Management) from the University College of Glossop, and you've now got a Management Position.  In a firm.  Which is part of a much bigger company.  And you get to be what we call Corporate.

Chances are, you have no knowledge or any practical skills (not even golf). So it's important that you maintain your position and don't let any so-called experts show you up as a complete prat. You will need to hire specialists from time to time.  You want someone with all the skills, but it's very important that they don't appear more knowledgable than you, even though YOU haven't.

Here are some handy tips on how to BE TOPP.

  • When your specialist smartass person leaves work for the day, hide all their important stuff in a locked cupboard in a different room.  Tell them that the office needed de-cluttering.
  • You also need to employ a mindless moron who will mindlessly obstruct everything they try to do.  If necessary, this character can be kept in a different cupboard to be wheeled out on demand.  The mindless moron should preferably talk very, very slowly and spend long periods of time staring into space.  But make sure this is the person who can authorise expenditure.
  • The above is particularly important if your know-it-all has that nasty tendency to get things done.  Nothing worse – don't let this happen to you, especially if it's patently obvious it wasn't your idea!
  • Don't let on to your wiseass about things they might need to know, like important meetings.  If they do inadvertently catch on that something may be afoot, change the venue without telling them.  They needed a bit of exercise anyway, and all that running around like a headless chicken will do wonders for their cardiovascular strength.
  • To show what a supportive, involved boss you are, send them emails with instructions as to how to tackle their job.  Apologise for 'teaching granny to suck eggs' and then carry on anyway.  Make sure your emails are really patronising and show them to your regional manager.
  • Give instructions that an important report be out by the end of the day; then make sure that they have no access to a computer to actually do this.  If there is potential for space, fill it with other people doing lengthy e-learning courses;  preferably ones who will take at least half an hour to log on to the computer.  The e-learning courses need not actually exist, but your staff will have such FUN trying to find them.
  • After three months of this, your smart-aleck-windbag-who-thought-they-knew-a-thing-or-two will have very little hair left and will probably have started talking to window boxes.  Sack them on the spot, and explain to future smartasses that the previous one was mentally unstable.

Right – back to the beginning...

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