Monday, 14 April 2014

Ask Lady Violet

Dear Lady Violet,

I think my boyfriend may be seeing someone else. He went off to a wedding (without me) a couple of weeks ago, and when I looked through the photos afterwards, he seemed to be the bridegroom. He's been off on a business trip - supposedly - for the last two weeks, but I've just got a postcard from him in Barbados when he told me his business trip was to Milton Keynes.

What should I do if he comes back? How will I explain the mess in the flat to my landlord once I've beheaded him? (My boyfriend, that is, not the landlord).

Yours in anticipation,

Emmeline Gunge (Mrs)

Lady V:
My Dear Miss Gunge,
First, a few words of sympathy and admiration  - the latter for your bravery in retaining such an awful family name, and the former for your bravery in retaining such an awful family name.
As for your first hand experience of male shallowness, it is quite natural to think of various forms of retribution, including beheading. But I would counsel against such a course. It is a very messy business and could possibly get you into quite serious trouble with the authorities, let alone the effect the results may have upon your landlord.
No, I do not think you should chop your boyfriend's head off. You might instead consider two alternatives. One; accept what has happened and pull your landlord. Or, two; if your landlord is unavailable, unattractive or broke, engage the services of your local La Cosa Nostra killer. Most towns have at least one and details are to be had at your local Citizens' Advice Bureau.

Yours etc.

Dear Lady Violet,

How can I stop my tom from marking his territory behind the sofa? It was bad enough when it was just the cat doing it.


Debbi Cobb-Webbi

Lady V:
Dear Miss Cobb-Webbi,
Pepper, broken glass, and floor anchored razor wire usually do the trick in these situations, but a deeper understanding as to precisely why your male persists may be found in Dr P J Whimbrel's excellent study, "They Do it Standing Up", available at all good book shops and through the online supplier, Amazon.

Yours etc.

Dear Lady Violet,

It's not often that you receive enquiries from shrubbery, I expect, but given that you have a name of a vegetal nature I felt that you may be sympathetic. I have been troubled recently by this disgusting little bastard by the name of Nerd, who insists on rolling around on me. I wouldn't mind but he doesn't seem to change his underpants very often.

How can I get him to roll around somewhere else, and leave me alone?

Kind regards,

Rhoda Dendron
Balsall Heath Park

Lady V:
Dear Miss Dendron,
You are correct. Enquiries from greenery of any sort are rare. I did have some awfully sad letters from several roses , most of whom wanted to know how they might avoid dead - heading, but that was years ago.
I have thought about your problem long and hard. Given that plants, like humans, communicate with each other, you might try to attract the attention of any yew trees in your immediate area. As you know, these are extremely poisonous trees which might be persuaded to lean down and brush against your tormentor, thus placing him in a dead situation.

Yours etc.

1 comment:

  1. I think and have always thought that these letters and responses are made up. Pangolin really should consider using its time and space more responsibly. There are poor souls out there who have very real problems and your blog should look to addressing those rather than making up silly ones.
    Got to dash, mky aardvark's stuck in the ventriloquist again.
    Dr Irene Mylene Dip Psych., M.D., PhD., F'tang CLang.


Go on... you want to say SOMETHING, don't you? Post under a made-up name if you're shy!