Friday, 9 May 2014

Pangolin News Flash: HS2 Shock U-Turn

Today, Pangolin can reveal the outcome of secret meetings between the government and MSP (Most Sensible People). Our Transport Correspondent, Angela Sleeper reports from the Houses of Parliament:

“Today, chubby Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin made an announcement which rocked this place. According to his short statement, the Government’s much-vaunted HST (High Speed Train) scheme is to be cancelled in favour of a secretly developed new initiative known as the QQDT (Quite Quick Downhill Train). The QQDT will make use of existing technology, current rolling stock and signalling, and, as Mr McLoughlin put it, “some older stuff which still has a bit of life in it.”

Mr McLoughlin confirmed that government experts had been in talks with retired accountant, Mr Lionel Euripides lately of Myth, Myth and Euripides, Accountants, Royal Leamington Spa. Reliable sources suggest that Mr Euripides told the government reps that their HST scheme was "vainglorious pie-in-the-sky which would bankrupt the nation and leave Mr Cameron with egg on his face and a long pointy train nobody wanted".

Below are pictures of the QQDT.
Mr Euripides is a member of MSP and, we understand, will soon receive a knighthood. His reaction to that news was typically down-to-earth when he said that the Transport Ministry personnel were, “A bunch of know-nothing wankers.”

Meanwhile, in other news, the search for a new manager at Manchester United is over. Sports correspondent Barry Fannie tells Pangolin that Bryan Giggles, MUFC’s stand-in boss let slip that: “It's gonna be some foreign bloke.”


  1. Interesting development - looks like the QQDT could well halve journey times north-south, but how will it fare in the opposite direction?

  2. Who wants to go North ?

  3. The main issue here is the availability of rolling stock and motive units. If QQDT made only southern journeys, depending upon how many QQDT trains were available, they would all eventually be in the south. Return trips , even empty ones, are essential so that a continual southern service may be maintained. Perhaps the northern return trains could be called VSUT [Very Slow Uphill Trains]

    Brian Cringe
    Hon Sec
    Bletchley Pedants Soc.


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