On This Day...

Five Years Ago

A row broke out between the organisers of Quaffers, the annual banquet held for top city bankers, and S&B Functions, the company division that catered for this occasion. Among the complaints raised by those attending were the extra-high prices charged, long delays in getting served, meagre portions and lack of seconds. City caterers Stuffit & Binge responded by pointing out that the event was held against a background of worldwide recession, not of their making, besides which it was essential to charge as they did in order to maintain the Rolls Royce service for which they were known on a global basis. It was normal and necessary in catering for providers to serve themselves first and see to their own needs ahead of the rest in order to be properly fortified and fuelled up for the task ahead. Finally, the airing of such complaints in public could only lead to companies such as theirs leaving the capital in their droves and losing London its place at the top-table of world-class catering.

Ten Years Ago

The curtain came down on another production by Ham Players that will stay long in the memory. James Joyce's 'Ulysses', adapted for the stage by veteran producer Phyllis Pardew, was performed without break in a seven-hour marathon repeated over six successive evenings. Once again the female lead was played by Beryl Streep, who gave her all to the famous monologue of Molly Bloom. Coaching in the Irish accent was given by Wardrobe Mistress Edna 'Hoots' McNab, ably assisted on this occasion by Megan Davies from Props. Trevor Poggle provided the rain.

Eighty Years Ago

Partington Towers, ancestral home since medieval times of the ffayne-Partington family, was burnt to the ground in a blaze that lit up the night sky and was seen from eight counties. The fire, believed to have been caused by an electrical fault, began in the East Wing. This housed the laboratories used by scientific researcher Claude ffayne-Partington to develop a new range of flavoured cigarettes for the children's market. The conflagration was witnessed by all the residents of nearby Partington Polloy, some of whom came to work the stirrup-pumps and fire-buckets and others to take in the smoke.

Following the success of the Facebook Page 'Women who Eat on the Tubes', the Pangolin is proud to announce that its followers can now upload their own pictures of 'Men Picking Their Noses on the Tubes'. Like the ladies' version, all these pictures have been taken without their owners' knowledge or permission and, similarly, are not an attempt to get the rest of us to sneer or otherwise view with contempt.

So, here's a Pangolin first:

Ian Duncan-Smith on the Central Line

The latest, latest acquisition for Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That

Locust swarm, La Crau with Peach Trees in Blossom 1889

Cassius Pugnatius Seagull

It came to my attention whilst surfing the airwaves that many of the residents of Bulverhythe had washed their cars. Further along, into TN38 territory, several of those massive mansions on the sea front had been painted stark white - a delicate operation, and I'd been biding my time for several months.

However, now the scaffolding's gone - and my moment has come!

Bombs Awayyyyyy!  Whoosh! Saved the particularly brown pooh for the white buildings and cars, and the white pooh for the poncy black ones.

I noticed a couple of horrid little kids making fake pooh out of toothpaste and soy sauce and putting it on car windscreens. Pathetic little amateurs... I waited til they were engrossed with a BMW and then...

BOMBS AWAYYYYY!!!!!!!

Latest acquisition for Glossop Museum of Pictures an' That

Glossop University Science Department Overrun by Huge Rats!

Professor Rastus Bonkle: "We're hoping to take over Home Economics next!"

Scientists believe rats could eventually grow to the size of sheep or even bigger as they evolve to fill vacant ecological niches - as humans drive just about all other species to extinction. There have been reports of blocked sewers and drainpipes, as rats find that their legendary speeds can no longer be matched in the face of increased girth.

Rats are expected to adapt to whatever situation they find themselves in; already they are sharing the obesity epidemic with humans - as pavement pizzas contain ever-increasing amounts of fat, salt and e-numbers. Animals can easily evolve to be larger; when dinosaurs roamed the High Street, mammals were very small, but extinction of the big chaps paved the way for impressively-sized rats which resembled sabre-toothed tigers and even quite furry mammoths. Why, Moby Dick's great-great-great grandfather was only the size of a walrus.

Rats will have a major influence on the geological future of the Earth and over time were likely to produce "some remarkable descendants". 

Luckily, they're not stupid enough to create things like hedge funds, start nuclear wars or invent chemicals which will kill off all the bees. Or, come to that, build link roads in the middle of flood plains.

Thought for the Day, from Justin Webly, more or less Arch. of Cant.

Hullo, 

Justin here, and I must confess to a certain confusion in my understanding of modern, contemporary terminology. In fact I have delayed the submission of my hugely popular Thought for the Day in this instance precisely because of that confusion.

As head of what I like to call “the peoples’ Church”, I feel that I must try to keep up with modern forms of speech. Things like “square” and “Daddy-oh” etc. But it seems that no sooner have I mastered one and allowed it to seep into my everyday language, along comes another. Many are puzzling. “Ming” – obviously the root of “minging” has, I discovered (thanks to the young man with the wire in his ear) got absolutely nothing to do with Chinese ceramics, just as “wicked” no longer applies to something evil.

You can, therefore, imagine my bafflement when I read that two celebrities, one a certain film star called Gwendolyn Portnoy and the other the musician Martin Christopher (leader of a beat combo called Cold Cream) have, according to the newspapers achieved “conscious uncoupling”. My first reaction was one of delight in the idea of celebrities having any interest at all in railways, although I seem to remember one or two actually own splendid steam locomotives. I was further convinced by the young man with the wire in his ear telling me that one of Cold Cream’s tunes is called “Fix You” – which has obviously mechanical overtones.

        

You might imagine my embarrassment when my lady wife, roaring with laughter, explained the true meaning of this odd term. I was about to thank her when Thomas Aquinous, our lovely Cairn Terrier leapt on to her lap, spilling copious amounts of Vladivar vodka all over itself and my better half. A chance spark from my lady wife’s cigarillo started a significant conflagration and were it not for the timely intervention of the young man with the wire in his ear, I hate to think of what might have happened. He sprang across the room in an impressively athletic fashion and poured the water from two vases of daffodils over the canine and human casualties. 

Fortunately, no real injuries were sustained. My lady wife’s delightfully patterned flannel pyjamas were ruined of course and poor Thomas is rather charred around his hind quarters, but after a few Goodog treats and a large tumblerful of Jim Beam, both brave parties carried on as if nothing had happened. When the young man with the wire in his ear eventually stopped screaming with laughter, I did point out to him that his timely and effective action with the daffodil water is exactly what Jesus would have done.

"Actually, what he's after is more of a beach bum look."