In a frank interview with Pangolin Home Affairs correspondent Tim Gawp, David Cameron, Nick Clegg and George Osborne look back on their harrowingly privileged lives and say, “Being a Rich Toff Didn’t Stop Me Getting to the Top.”
Tim G: So, Prime Minister, Deputy Prime Minister, Chancellor, I’d like to ask all three of you about the country’s painfully slow emergence from recession. Mr Cameron?
Dave [for it is he]: Now look. Let me make this perfectly clear. I’m not going to answer your question….
Nick: Sorry to interrupt, but neither am I because….
Georgie: Ooops, sorry Cleggie, but I absolutely must back the PM here. I won’t rise to the bait on that one either, especially when we all know that halfway through you’re going to hit us with the old privilege/wealth conker.
Tim G: Well, no, I….
Dave: You’re absolutely right Georgie, so let’s head that one off at the pass right now. And I’ll start by stating categorically that my vast unearned wealth and the even more vast unearned wealth of my lady wife has not stopped me from living the dream. Sure, there have been slings and arrows along the way. In a country brought to its knees by namby-pamby notions of equality, we’ve been called many things. Why even our respective childhoods have been besmirched by stories of devoted nannies and teatime crumpets. Our schooldays have been picked over by deluded lefties….
Nick: Oh absolutely! I think….
Dave: Shut up Nick.
Nick: Sorry PM.
Dave: As I was saying, even the hard work we did in the Bullingham Club has been rubbished by the very people we strove to keep in line. Oiks! Now, Nick, you were saying?
Nick: Wow, thanks PM, well like you, I’ve known the hard grind of unearned wealth. But even when I was very young something in me KNEW there was a better way. All through the painful process of growing up – the villas in the Antibes, polo, forcing myself to dine with the Great and the Good, I knew, I just KNEW that all of this class warfare was and is being caused by, as the PM so accurately puts it, oiks. People have very short memories. It's not that long ago that this England, this sceptred Isle, this realm of kings, this home of international banking, was governed by Socialists and as everybody knows, Socialists are oiks!
Georgie: Well said Cleggo. Damned Socialists. For a whole country to be ruled by them with their inadequate diets, inadequate schools, payday loans and uninspiring ambitions and bad skin is simply illogical.
Tim G: Yes, er, I wonder if we could….
Dave: No we couldn’t. These are very important points. What people like you – and I strongly suspect Socialism somewhere in your background – don’t realise is how hard its been for the likes of us to pull ourselves down; to deign to stoop to conquer; to tell people exactly where they are in the social scale.
Nick: Absolutely PM, Nail on the Head. After all, we and those like us went to the best schools, are naturally very intelligent, have lovely diction, and are born leaders.
Georgie [claps hands]: Yes, yes, yes! We are, we are! Born leaders! And that’s what oiks need – leading! And I mean, we can’t do what our forefathers did and start a good old World War to get rid of loads of oiks at a stroke. It's simply not done these days, although the PM’s tried his damnedest in the Middle East.
Dave: Thanks Georgie. Yes, I did try, but you can’t win ‘em all, I suppose. But I did keep us on the right side of that Obama fellow and lest we forget, he’s got the biggest guns!
Nick: Absolutely. Leadership. Biggest guns. On the other hand, as a Liberal Democrat [audible groans] I am conscious of criticism on that point, but I will not let it sway me from supporting this government’s vigorous mission to keep the oiks in their place whilst clinging to what little power my party has had for the last 100 years.
Dave: Amen to that Nick.
Tim G: Well thank you gentlemen. That was a real eye-opener. I ….
Dave: Hush! We haven’t finished yet. Georgie?
Georgie: Thank you Prime Minister. It falls to me to scotch all the current Socialist criticisms; to demonstrate once and for all this administration’s determination to give the majority of this country’s population – most of whom are oiks – something to marvel at; something to take their collective breath away; something to make them feel proud to be British. Well, English at any rate.
I refer, of course to the very wonderful High Speed Train. Sleek, pointy and sexy, it will go “Whoooosh!” throughout the land, transporting rich and influential people hither and thither at a thousand miles an hour. Millions of oiks will crowd lineside fences waiting for a glimpse of the future. True, one or two oiks’ hovels will have to be demolished to make way for HS2, but that’s a small price to pay to be part of this epic undertaking.
Dave: Excellent Georgie, excellent! And so, in the future, when the foreigner–filled countries of the European Union come bragging about growth in their economies, we can smile and say. “Ah, but you haven’t got a pointy train, have you?”
Well Tim – it is Tim, isn’t it? That about wraps it up. Oh, he appears to have gone.
Nick: How rude!
Georgie: Bloody oik!