Wednesday, 15 May 2013

How to be an NHS Manager (Director In Charge of Kicking - DICK, for short)

Firstly, you must remember that to be a proper manager, everything must be clean and tidy.  Don't worry about actually doing a hand's turn yourself;  your job is to make sure that everyone else is UP TO THE MARK.

It will improve morale if you make your staff cut the grass on the lawn outside using a pair of (blunt) nail scissors. (Don't forget Health & Safety.  There are several policies about policies for that). Ensure they use a short ruler to ensure a uniform approach.  

Documentary evidence should be kept of slovenly, shiftless behaviour.  You may find yourself with staff rebellious enough to drink tea or coffee, or attend the lavatory during working hours.  This should be stamped out immediately.  Take photographs of any coffee rings, dirty spoons or other detritus, enlarge them to poster size and create an exhibition of them.  Don't be afraid to name and shame the culprits.  If you can't find any, bring some three-week-old unwashed mugs from home and photograph them instead.

Visits to the privy can be cut to the minimum simply by installing recording equipment in each closet;  any sounds can then be amplified and broadcast to the reception area.  You can't have your ladies rummaging around in their handbags, either, especially if they seem to want to do it in private.  Any lady caught taking a bag to the little girls' room should be stopped and searched.

Tidiness in the office is of primordial important.  Actually, this policy has recently been revised to:  'Being seen to be enforcing tidiness in the office'.  It is perfectly acceptable to create a huge mess on an otherwise empty desk, as long as it consists of notes telling the occupant what a disgrace their work station is.  Post-it notes, chip wrappers, fag packets and used tissues are all handy for this purpose.  Photograph the pile and put it in their CPD file.

You may sometimes find that your staff phone in pretending to be sick.  Don't be fooled!  They enjoy going out drinking, whoring, taking illicit drugs and gambling whilst being on their death beds.  Make sure you put it down as the holiday it undoubtedly is.  If a member of staff dies, this is further evidence of a workshy nature and they should face disciplinary procedures immediately.

With a bit of luck you will soon find your staff have all left or died.  Collect a six-figure bonus in recognition of your effectiveness in cutting costs and giving the tax payer value for money.

1 comment:

  1. Why on earth the present Health Secretary can't make things as clear as the DICK piece. Subordinates must be made to feel so.


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