1. Thank you for fixing my thatch, but I have to tell you I'm still leaking down below.
2. Can you repair the toilet door the wind has broken.
3. Kids are messing in my bush and playing with their balls. Will you tell their parents to stop.
4. Can I have a blow job for all these fallen leaves. Your men were useless last time.
5. The sign at the end of the road is giving kids ideas will you take it away. The one that says 'Humps for 50 yards'.
6. I've been trying for months but your workman still hasn't come.
7. When your truck came to collect the old sofa it ran over my pussy, I wish to complain.
8. Can you fix the tiles please because my grandfather is getting diarrea through the holes in the roof.
9. Will you please come and remove the mattress from my back passage; I still don't know how it got there.
10. I was in the park today, and kids were going down on the flower bed. You should get a man to show them.
Being inordinately fond of curried eggs, I do SO sympathise with the tenant with the wind-damaged toilet door. I'm assuming that this is one of the few remaining outside loos and should therefore respond well to installing four or five brushwood baffles beyond the door which should be left unlocked when the loo is in use. These easily constructed baffles or Farters' Roods as they were once known [a] reduce blast damage and [b] warn the occupier that another person is approaching. Also, installing baffles reduces insurance premiums.
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