Problems of a Personal Nature

Dear Lady Violet

I think my man's just not that into me. He addresses me affectionately as 'Toothless Mary', and says he's delighted we're together, but I'm not so sure.

You see, he hardly ever goes out with me in public and when we do, for example, he will go into the Public Bar and makes sure I go into the Saloon Bar. Once I saw him in the street talking to his mates and I went over and said hello and he pretended we'd never met before. He said he was worried about word getting round, but I'm not sure what he means.

Do you think he's ashamed of me? Should I be looking for a new man? Would it be a good idea to get a set of dentures?

Yours,

Floribette Schuffenecker-Blartfast

My Dear Miss Blartfast,

No relation to the Shropshire Blartfasts I suppose? But no, probably, as none of them would have got themselves into this sort of pickle.

Men do tend to favour less than flattering pet names for their nearest and dearest. Why, Captain Bippy M.C.,V.C.,RsPcA., the love of my life, used to call me "My Old Gruntbucket" throughout our long and tempestuous relationship. I put this down to inherent shyness and a desire to be seen to be in control. And I think this is true in your case. My darling Bippy was very rich so I put up with it. Is your man rich? If so, bite your tongue (so to speak) and hope that you outlive him. Or, if he's a bit skint, buy some teeth and clear off.

Lady V

Dear Lady Violet

Well I was talking to this really hot bird I met when I was on my holidays but my house caught fire and I had to hang up really suddenly because the flames were lapping around near the turn-ups of my trousers and the phone melted and then I ran out of the house and accidentally dropped my mobile phone into a cesspit and I'd lost the piece of paper she'd written her phone number down on and I couldn't phone her because I'd stored the number in the other phone (now melted and drowned in cess) and eventually I decided to drive to a local library to look up her phone number on the internet. Her name is Renate Codswallop and she lives in a small village called Frogsbourne, in Derbyshire, and I thought this wouldn't be too difficult to find. It wasn't.

However, dear Lady Violet, my problems are now threefold:

- I haven't got any phones left

- Who's going to believe that story?

- My wife didn't believe it either.

What shall I do?

Yours,

Declan Bonklecroncher, FRSA

Declan,

              

Quite frankly, there's not a lot down for you my boy. I see from your letter that you have a wife. How on earth did you manage that? She must be an exceptionally stupid woman, so she probably will believe you. But the really shocking part of your letter is the portion which refers to TURN-UPS!! ABSOLUTELY NO-ONE WEARS TURN-UPS THESE DAYS! And a cess-pit! My advice to you, dear Declan, is that you should buy some fashionable trousers, get yourself on mains drainage pdq and buy a trainset.

Lady V.

Dear Lady Violet

I thought I might try a bit of online dating and checked out the available men in my age range (95 - 102). Unfortunately I already know most of them (and a right bunch of wasters they are too), and I'm related to the rest. I want to play it cool and not look too desperate. What should I do?

Yours,

Emmeline Bagpuss xxx 

Emmeline,

                  

At your age, you really should know the answer to this one. Get yourself one of those nifty blow-up male sex dolls, a jerry-can full of light engineering oil, and a recording of Richard Tauber singing "You are My Heart's Delight". You'll never look back. Unless the doll's behind you.

Lady V.

Dear Lady Vi,

                       

Recently, whilst shopping in Knutsford, I happened upon my local MP, George Osborne. I immediately lost control and smacked him across the face with a kilo of cod loin just purchased from the excellent Booth’s supermarket delicatessen (they do a very good boil-in-the-bag yak rump, too).

You can imagine the ensuing chaos which involved Osborne staggering backwards and upsetting a buggy containing Kyle (aged 14 months) and pushed by mum Traci (23). Despite being on probation for assault outside the nearby Move Yo Ass nightclub some weeks ago, Traci set about Osborne again – with my cod-loin which had fallen to the floor after its first contact.

Prior to my case being heard, I have submitted to tests and the psychiatrist I spent some time with has assured me that either the DPP will not bring the case to court, or if they do, it will be dismissed, because – and I found this so, so encouraging – many medical experts now view Osborne as having a face which cries out to be smacked and that I had no choice but to do so. Much as one might swat away a bluebottle.

My question to you is – can I claim for the ruined cod loin?

Yours etc

Angela Wheee.

Dear Ms Wheee,

You can indeed claim for your ruined cod.  However, your compensation will be calculated on its value had it not suffered the assault by Mr Osborne's visage.  Despite cod being quite rare these days - due to over-fishing in the North Sea - I note that this fish has now been unrefrigerated for sixteen days and has remained in the old video cabinet in your lounge during that time.  I wouldn't bother to claim.  The chances are that you'd end up having to pay someone to bury it, especially with those still-detectable traces of Osborne's aftershave on it.

Lady V.

Dear Lady Vi,

The Bible tells us that we should not covet our neighbour’s ass. What does this mean?

Yours in Jesus

The Rev Wendy Heaver.

My dear Reverend Heaver,

This is simply an injunction that we should not look upon a neighbour's ass and have thoughts along the lines of 'hide the sausage', 'drive the beef bus to tuna town' or 'park the pink submarine'. Similarly, to look upon our neighbour's donkey in such a fashion would be a sin.

Lady V.

Dear Lady Vi,

I have soon to make a decision about a mad old bat who socked George Osborne with a dead fish. Psychiatrists tell me that he asks for this sort of thing by just being somewhere. What can I do?

Yours etc,

Keir Starmer DPP.

Dear Mr Starmer,

Those psychiatrists are technically correct. Indict Mr Osborne for conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace instead.

Lady V.

Dear Lady Vi,

My husband has become very boring. His new hobby is watching peoples’ hair grow.

Ann Greatwobbler (Mrs*, no relation)

P.S. There might be a cousin in New Zealand.

My dear Ann,

How fortunate you are; you can rest assured that this dreary man will not stray, or even move from the spot for months at a time. What better opportunity to acquire for yourself a granny-grabber, or toyboy, as I believe they are colloquially known!  However you may wish to keep your name as 'your little secret' and not reveal it to potential suitors.  Likewise your membership of the Bladder Control Support Group.

Happy bow-chika-bow-wow!

Lady V

Useful tips for creating a completely irresistible online dating profile.

1. If your only photo is one of you in an animal sanctuary, please make it clear which one is you.

2. Refrain from posting glamour photos of yourself on a beach in your bikini - unless you actually live on a beach in your bikini. Especially if you're a bloke.
3. Don't post your wedding photos.
4. Make sure you're facing towards the camera, rather than away from it. It makes all the difference.
5. If you think people might be put off by your looks, photograph yourself in a mirror for your profile picture. Your face will be obscured by the camera or the flash, and it gives potential suitors the opportunity to be impressed by your (photographic) equipment.
6. Avoid use that frightful text speak or unnecessary abbreviations and remember: good grammar is essential to a hygienic lifestyle.
7. Keep quiet about all men/women being lying, cheating bastards. Just pretend you hadn't noticed.
8. Don't mention that you're only looking online as a desperate last resort before giving up. It will make potential suitors feel as though they've come last in the sack race.