Pangolin Travel

 Welcome Aboard

"This is the 04.15 service to Agglethorpe, calling at Bat and Ball, Snodland, Bickerdyke, Chinkacronk, Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Eastbourne.  When alighting from the train, please leave your belongings behind unless you're that bloke in Carriage Three with the stuffed bear.  They will be sold at a bring and buy sale and any proceeds will to to the Southeastern Railways Rich Tea fund.

When alighting at Itchygrump, please remember that there is a gap of three feet between the train and the platform.  Try not to fall down it as there's something nasty in there.

CCTV is in operation on this train for your security, safety and to catch any absent-minded nosepickers."

 Pangolin Travel

It's not all seatbelts and cabin pressure here at Pangolin Travel. Some months ago we wished bon voyage to Jasmine and Toby Fittock as they departed on their trip of a lifetime to the fabled South American lost city of Mucho D’iarreaio, so recently rediscovered by Dr Hank Flank and a team of archaeologists from Goole University. Jasmine takes up the tale….

“It was dark when we finally arrived at Mucho D’iarreaio after a hair raising trip over the Sierra del Pangolino in a battered ex American school bus which, according to Toby, featured the unusual semi-automatic pneumatic extra-cyclo in-line gearbox until I told him to shut up as I’d been sick on my shoes again.

Anyway, we found a hotel of sorts and slept fitfully (Toby’s been having those since he ate some odd mushrooms last year on our Unseen Glossop trip) until the sun rose and we got our first view of the ancient city. Incredibly disappointing. Just bits of rubble here and there with the odd phallic symbol poking drunkenly above the dust. The locals refer to Mucho Diarreaio as “Nob-Nob” and our guide Sancho said that if that was the sort of thing we were interested in, he knew several excellent places just beyond the local McDonalds. 

Sancho, and other locals we met whilst having our luggage stolen, expressed puzzlement about our interest in the lost city and indeed why on earth Dr Flank’s expedition had come there in the first place. "The Incas”, added Sancho whilst palming my camera, "thought Nob Nob was a dump”.

But we’re seasoned travellers and were undeterred by the loss of all our money, luggage and most of our clothes. We did what trekkers do. We sold blood, hair and a couple of Toby’s bridgework dentures which raised enough cash to gain us admission to El Non Nob Paradiso where, after a few hours working the pole, Toby had our bus fares out of Mucho Diarreaio, back to Santa Lumbago and the British Embassy".

Whoa! Scary stuff Jasmine, and thanks for the snaps Sancho took of you defending Toby on the pole. Sadly, this is a family blog and we can’t actually publish them. Shame!

Next time, we ask, how boring are those people who decide they want to live abroad and go poking around foreigners’ houses with a film crew and snide comments.

Words to Walk–On Baggage

'Good evening ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, this is Derek Trench, your captain speaking and right here next to me is First Officer Abigail Death – that’s pronounced Dee-aath, fnaar, fnaar, one of Undercut Airways lady pilots. I’ll probably be giving her the old joystick once we reach cruising height today, fnaar fnaar – only joking Abby.

We’ve got a flying time today of 4hrs 20 with good tailwinds all the way. Which is just as well as this old crate needs all the help she can get. Not you, Abby fnaar fnaar. OK – moving on – soon our cabin staff will go through the frankly useless safety instructions with you – you know – all that baloney about what to do if we crash into the sea at 300mph and where your little whistle is. A whistle ! I ask you!

Then, joy of joys, the lovely ladies of the cabin staff – and Jason – will pass amongst you with over-priced, over-described snacky things – crisps and whatnot. After that you’ll be left in peace to deal with all those very angry babies at the back.

Occasionally, I’ll get back to you with a weather update. From what I can see on all these dials and computer simulations up here, its going to be rock’n’roll all the way back to Manchester, so keep those vomit bags handy. ‘Bye for now!'

'It's fascinating.  Put one of these anywhere - and they will!'