Another Thought for The Day

...with Justin Almost Webly, nearly Archbishop of Canterbury

“ Hullo. Me again.

Well, what a schemozzle! I’ll bet (which I don’t do, of course) you Ordinary People out there are thinking what a bunch of chumps we are. First we men do the fashionable thing and allow ladies to become bishops, then those very same ladies – well not the VERY same because there are men involved too – and they’re not ladies – but you get my drift – decide they don’t actually want ladies to be bishops.

Let me try to explain. The Church of England has lots of rules all carefully formulated to make it appear really liberal and not at all square, if you’ll pardon the modern expression. Nearly twenty years ago, we made a new rule which said ladies could be vicars. What’s the next step up God’s greasy pole? Right – Bishop. (Well, not next precisely, but you know what I mean).

But we also have in the Church of England a thing called the House of Laity which is made up of women – and men – who aren’t ordained (but probably would like to have been but failed the exams). Anyway, this House of Laity gets to vote on stuff and its that vote which has screwed us. If you’ll pardon the modern expression. There is little doubt in my mind that its the twinset and pearls brigade within the House of Laity which is behind this kerfuffle. And their hubbies probably voted as they were told to vote. I can only think that these Laity Ladies believe that God is a man which whilst probably true, is so completely unfashionable and utterly uncool, if you’ll pardon the modern expression.

Well, the upshot of all this is that its left we Church Bosses feeling pretty silly. I mean, we’d thought that the outfits alone would have swung the vote. A Bishop’s gear – if you’ll pardon the modern expression – is pretty impressive – all those gold embroidered frocks and in yer face – if you’ll pardon the modern expression – hats so we’d quite naturally assumed the ladies would have jumped at the chance.

But it was not to be. Whither now, voyager? Well, we’ll just have to make do with a few gay male bishops for now I suppose.

Met a strange cove called Dawkins the other day who asked me if any of this really mattered in the grand scheme of things. Stupid man.”