Saturday, 22 November 2014

In Your Garden

Our gardening expert writes:

Well, hello there. Yes, it's me again. I expect you thought I was lying dormant for the winter, gathering strength to re-appear with the first warmth of spring. But, no - for the active gardener these last few months of the year can be busier than any.

First up, there's the Big Clean to be tackled. You'll not be wanting any sign of greenness on your hard surfaces or harmful species to be overwintering and proliferating in the crevices. Damp moss and algal slime can be the cause of killer injuries on a smooth patio. So, unless you wish to place on every flagstone one of those annoying plastic yellow bollards (Slippery Surface) they have round grapes in supermarkets, now is the time to be out there with the power jets, hosing away trouble. Over the years I've developed in my garden a system of strategically placed fire hydrants, along with angled water cannon, which clears all areas of potential growth, especially when deployed with a proprietary cleansing fluid and fungicide. For best results, go for maximum power on the water, though the first time I tried this, it failed to amuse a postman rounding the corner and further adjustments caused me then to dislodge several bricks of the conservatory and a two-metre section of kitchen wall.

Once properly cleaned and cleared, your garden will be ready for winter duties, beginning with the regular detonation of fireworks to celebrate Guy Fawkes Night and to brighten up the darkening skies from August to December. Long before the last rocket has fizzled out and landed on the neighbour, it will be time to organise the outside space for a festive show of winter lights. When designing such a spectacle, it's important always to stay true to the Christmas message. And be original - which is why my design this year is all to do with shopping and penguins.

So, Season's Greetings to garden-lovers everywhere -
or, as I prefer to put it each year,
Hoe, hoe!


  1. And the same to you Ken. After the Christmas break, I'll be coming back to you with a question about an especially rebellious rose which will keep breaking through my concreted-over frontal house area. Neighbours tell me its very beautiful and is a sign of something or other.

    1. No, no, no - you can't be doing with that. Besides, it's a potential health & safety hazard. A can of industrial strength Patio Weed Remover should do for that. If not, it's back to the old glyphosate, best applied through well-drilled boreholes.
      - Ken.


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