Thursday, 7 August 2014

In Your Garden

Our gardening expert writes:

Me, I've always been a straightforward kind of guy and that's how I am in the garden. None of your fancy whirly-twirly stuff, just straight lines. That's the best way to keep Nature in order and never more so than when it comes to sowing and planting.

I've even invented my own handy little gadget, the Dibstick (just £69.99 incl p&p), for help with such tasks. It's a length of wood basically (treble hinged for easy transport), with distances marked and holes drilled in different sizes at regular intervals through which to drop the seed or seedling of your choice. Never again the nightmare of crooked or unevenly spaced plantings. I write this still with soil on my knees, having just completed a quick insertion of artificial perennials into the front garden and a very neat row it is too.

Another popular item on the market is the Dibstick Deluxe (just £109.99 incl p&p), which comes with pull-out arms that lock into place at right-angles to guarantee the perfect corner. In response to popular demand I am now working on the Super Deluxe version with moveable holes that can be ratcheted into position by an ingenious system of gears.

Of course it takes all types to make an omelette. Gardeners come in every shape and size, often with the craziest of notions. Believe me, in my 47 years on the end of a spade I've seen the lot. There are folks out there who'll think nothing of tearing open a packet of seeds and just scattering these on to the ground. And there are even ones who'll do this with a sachet of 'Wildflower Mix'. Weeds, I ask you!

There's only one good place for a weed and that's under 3 ft of concrete. And, if that fails, you won't catch me napping. I'll be out there hotfoot with the old Flibstick (napalm-fired ex-Swiss Army flamethrower, also available from Dibstick Enterprises, poa).

Good Gardening!


  1. I was particularly interested by Ken's reference to "artificial perennials". I wonder if Ken knows if artificial soil is readily available anywhere.
    Doreen Cockup [Mrs., 57]

  2. Brilliant and insightful as ever, Ken. Presently, I am investigating the possibilities of developing artificial soil, whilst my brother has already produced many gallons of artificial water. We also have unconfirmed reports from Japan that artificial weeds have been successfully propogated at Okedoke University.
    Arnold Newt


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