Dear Lady Violet
I'm worried that my boyfriend's a total slob and has a very smelly car.
When I went to clear it out the other day I found a dead body on the back seat. I questioned him about it, and he blustered a bit and said that a friend had given it to him because his blow-up rubber doll had been swept out to sea last week, and that what he did with it was quite harmless. It is wearing a wet suit.
Do you think I should contact the Glossop and District Sailing Club to see if they've lost anyone? I've tried using air freshener in there but it hasn't worked.
Terylene Bollock-PhantasmTintwhistle, nr Glossop
Dear Miss Bollock-Phantasm,
Doubtless you will have gathered by now, having read my other published letter, that you are deeply embedded in the nautical pooh. As you can see, the corpse has indeed been missed, which is bad enough, but made exponentially worse by the fact that its some lunatic from Glossop who's done the missing.
Glossopians are not to be trifled with. Or blancmanged. Also, the fact that some of them have a sailing club miles and miles from the sea speaks volumes. There was a time that their watery activities took place on Wobbler's Flash, but that dried up in the drought of '76. Since then, they have fitted tiny wheels to their silly little boats. Most weekends they can be seen pushing each other around the arid bed of Wobbler's Flash, going "Yo-ho-ho".
I have made discreet enquiries on your behalf. It seems that Mr Shuttlecock and his associates are a vengeful lot, especially the McIlhenny-Blipps, who regularly employ a certain Tommy No-Nose who reliably resolves tricky situations.
I am very sorry to say that you fall squarely into the "tricky situations" category and can only advise that you immediately arm yourself, leave the country and commit suicide. All three, preferably.