Kalo̱sórisma and welcome! As your council leader, it gives me a very warm feeling to welcome you all to 2014 but then Corfu is always very hot this time of the year. As you know, the business of town council never stops and I’m currently here promoting town business as part of a fact finding mission. What facts, you might ask. Well, did you know that Corfu is the only nation to drive on neither the right nor the left side of the road? They drive down the middle, a practice I’ll be recommending to the council as soon as I return in three weeks.
Speaking of my return: what a 2014 we have ahead of us as our historic town celebrates its founding. This year is our quadruple centenary or, as our chief financial officer to remind us, three hundred years since our borough took its first steps to becoming a hovel and then a hamlet. Back then, it was just a rough clearing in a forest occupied by a swampy bog and leper colony yet now the same spot boasts the biggest Primark in the county! I know some might say that’s not much of a difference but that’s missing the point entirely. This is PROGRESS! At the time of our next centenary, who knows what amazing triumph of the future might be standing where Primark now stands? My hope is some kind of futuristic underpant emporium offering cheap socks and even cheaper rocket-powered day trips to the Moon.
In other good news, my last duty before leaving on my holidays. No, Miss Richditch, strike ‘holiday’ and put ‘fact finding mission’. My last duty before leaving on my fact finding mission was to open the newly completed swimming pool attached to the nursing college. As you know, I look down on the pool from my council office and what wonder do I feel as I gaze through the conveniently located glass ceiling and see the changing rooms filled with so many of our brightest, best and lithe 18 to 24 year olds looking fit, healthy, and completely unaware...
Sorry. I was distracted by some council business. Now where was I? Oh yes… Miss Richditch take up the dictation from ‘healthy’ and carry on from there.
In other news, the county heron has not been spotted for twelve weeks and our nature warden is concerned that it might have fallen victim to the craze for heron dipping that’s currently sweeping Youtube. If you see the heron, please contact Warden Billy on 203833. Don’t be tempted to dip it. Instead remember that we are merely custodians of these remarkable creatures who are the living embodiment of a free and noble spirit. The heron is approximately three feet tall with a large beak, grey feathers and has our municipal property notice laser etched across its forehead.
Speaking of wildlife, March will see us unveiling our new Puffin crossing on Lapping Lane, providing some extra peace of mind for families enjoying the borough’s most densely foliated parkland and dogging hotspot. A new bistro restaurant will soon be offering late night servings for taxi drivers feeling the cold after a long night of groping in the bushes.
At the recent council meeting, it was my honour to officially declare 2014 our ‘Year of Prosperity’ and we marked the occasion by presenting a bouquet of flowers to Agnes Richditch (22) who will this year officiate as our ‘Miss Prosperity’. I personally selected Agnes from many candidates and, as coincidence would have it, her hobbies include Greek food, perfecting her first class dictation skills, and swimming the backstroke at the new swimming pool attached to the nursing college. Her ambition is to eventually work in local government.
Finally, in late breaking news: it seems that our chief financial officer miscalculated and it is four hundred years since the town’s founding and not three hundred as previously stated. It also emerges that in our last budget he carried the wrong one and we don’t have funds to pay for the removal of the town’s Christmas decorations. At a late night session of council involving wine and cheap ouzo, it has been agreed to rename the ‘Christmas grotto’ the ‘Easter grotto’ and it will remain illuminated until late March.
Until next month. Ya mas!
Now type that up Miss Richditch and post it to the council website. Then get back to the pool. I want to show you a trick I know involving a cup of olive oil and rubber snorkel.