Monday, 10 June 2013

Pangolin Stars


You are conventional and hard-working. If it weren't for your goatee beard (if you're female) and your cloven hooves (if you're male) you'd be a right boring old fart.  Sometimes people look at your head, notice that you're horny and this gives your street cred a monumental boost.

Most illegal immigrants working in McDonalds are Capricorn people.


You have very good upper body strength from carrying a Grecian urn everywhere you go (even W H Smith's).  You are sometimes unpredictable and have been known to climb aboard fire engines shouting 'This is my water!  Come and get it - if you think you're hard enough!'

All Aquarians are addicted to prescription medications, codydramol being the most common one.


You are sensitive and romantic, and school bullies would come along and dump bucketfuls of dirty water on you while you were talking to the daffodils (who were going 'Ping!' at the time). Unfortunately you usually smell of ageing haddock and this hampers your social advancement somewhat.

Pisces people have ingrowing toenails.


You are impulsive and liable to butt into others' conversations. You are also inclined to turn your back on people you've never met before, and widdle, until you've been properly introduced.  On the plus side, you are the proud owner of a particularly authentic sheepskin coat.  Which sometimes smells of old dog.

Aries people are inclined to leave their shoes on the window sill overnight.


You have a predilection for fine china but have never been particularly successful with it, and have sometimes ended up having to pay for the whole shop. You like to eat, and eat, and eat. You go to weightwatchers purely for the purpose of spectating and because it gives you another excuse to think about food.

Most people who ride their bikes on the pavement instead of on the cycle track are Taureans.


You have a vague yet strangely persistent feeling that there are two of you in one body, and you find it confusing when people come up to you and say things like 'Look - we're wearing the same skirt!' Especially if you're a bloke.

Gemini people will sit up talking all night, including when the host has put on their pyjamas and turned off all the lights.


You find it difficult to come out of your shell; this is actually quite sensible as you'd be liable to be eaten by herring gulls if you did. Your best friend is probably a barnacle. Sometimes you find your family is mistaken for an unpleasant parasite which lives in the pubic region.

People who try to re-use others' discarded chewing gum are usually Cancereans.


You are dramatic and dignified, but people have been laughing at you ever since you wore that crown into the Working Men's Club, Worksop, on the night of the darts match. You were a very keen member of the Cubs when you were young.

Most Leo people leave the toilet seat up.


You are neat, precise and suffer from OCD.  Well, more accurately, the people whose bus tickets you try to nick before arranging them in numerical order, attaching them with bulldog clips to the back of the seat in front of you, suffer from your OCD.  Especially when the inspector arrives. You have strangely orderly paper clips.

Virgo people are usually employed making those little plastic things you get on the end of shoe laces.


You are indecisive and fickle, and often have more than one department store loyalty card. You are well balanced in that you have four carrier bags in each hand - and not necessarily full of stuff you've actually paid for. You once sold the Polish War Memorial to an American tourist.

If a Libran gives a festive bouquet, it will comprise flowers nicked from a municipal floral arrangement.


You are completely money and groin orientated, and have been known to charge three pence for a tuppenny upright. If a woman, you will keep your tights on and then claim you were a virgin; if a man you will carry a bunch of fairly large cucumbers with you at all times.

All Scorpios have dandruff.


You are blunt and argumentative. You have been known to hold up supermarket queues for hours while you argue with the person on the checkout about the best way of opening those carrier bags. Sometimes people just give up in despair and put your head down the bog.

Sagittarians do terrible things to other peoples' window boxes.


  1. Big thanks to Madge here for her no-nonsense approach to the Stars. I just wish I'd discovered her column earlier. I was run over by an egg lorry last Tuesday. Had I read Madge's wise words prior to this incident, I might have seen it coming.

  2. Thanks to Madge's column, I now know to leave my carrier bags in the bogs in department stores whilst doing my bits of shop lifting.

    A handy little tip, indeed!


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