Previously on Bloatmingle of the Yard...
Bloatmingle and Spiggot have apprehended the evil Doctor Peasmold and the nasally-challenged Tommy. Accidentally, but they got 'em anyway. Unfortunately, the treacherous Fittock - who turned out to be Humplock - has made good his escape. Their ruminations at 37 Dead Man's Wharf have been rudely interrupted, however, by the sudden appearance of not one, but two apparitions. One of them has leapt into Bloatmingle's arms...
“Humplock...?”
Bloatmingle gawped in disbelief. The man was naked but for a pair of
red and white stripy socks, his Metropolitan Police issue clodhoppers
and a rather fetching leopardskin pattern posing pouch. He had bite
marks on his buttocks.
“Just
keep her away from me, I tell you, keep her away...”
Bloatmingle
and Spiggot stared at the second apparition. The long, matted red
hair. The large blue eye. The small blue eye. The bright red lipstick
which would have been perfectly applied, had it not missed her mouth
by one and a half inches. But, most telling of all, the unlaced
corset flapping in the breeze to reveal a hairy chest of an unusual
topographical nature.
“Dorothy
Knickerthwaite...!” breathed Bloatmingle.
Humplock
was still weeping and gibbering uncontrollably. “I'm giving myself
up, yes, giving myself up. Pleeeease put me in prison. Put me in
prison. I'll be safe there...” He glanced over his shoulder at
Dorothy Knickerthwaite and screamed again. Mrs Knickerthwaite had
stopped in her tracks, however. She just stood still, taking in her
surroundings and shaking her head.
“Would
someone mind tellin' me what the ****'s goin' on?” she demanded
loudly in a shrill cockney accent. “And where the ****'s my ration
book?”
“Please,
dear lady,” intoned Bloatmingle, putting himself in mind of the
suave and dashing Anton Walbrook in “Dangerous Moonlight”, one of
Mrs Bloatmingle’s favourite films. So favourite in fact that more
than once when he and the love of his life were being, erm,
affectionate in the marital darkness, Bloatmingle had heard her
squeal “Anton, Anton!” in her lovely bass profundo.
But
here his specialist Police training kicked in and he put all thoughts
from his mind save that of calming the rampant lipsticked harpy who
even now was eying him in a sultry cross-eyed fashion.
“Please
dear lady, calm yourself. I am a Police Officer. You are quite safe
now”, drawled Bloatmingle, still in Walbrook mode. He cleared his
throat and said again, “You’re quite safe now.”
Dorothy
Knickerthwaite (for it is she) crouched, gathering the burst corset
around her not inconsiderable self. “But you’re not!” she
gritted and began to sidle towards Bloatmingle, slightly dragging one
leg. She was a truly magnificent woman, thought Bloatmingle, his
lightning-quick, trained Police mind wondering what might next
transpire. Dorothy Knickerthwaite advanced and began whistling “You
are My Heart’s Delight” through the fingers of her left hand. Her
heaving breasts (a Land where Veet had never been) heaved.
The
whistling stopped. Bloatmingle was aware of a certain type of trouser
activity, but again he focused on the job in hand. Dorothy
Knickerthwaite gazed into Bloatmingle’s eyes – a siren’s gaze –
the gaze of the Femme Fatale! “You are mine!” shrilled Dorothy
and lunged forward. “Quick! Spiggot! Your truncheon!” shouted
Bloatmingle as he realised that what he could feel in his pocket was
not his truncheon, which must have been misplaced in the melee.
For
once in his life, Constable Spiggot did not hesitate. He tossed his
rarely used staff across the room and Bloatmingle caught it expertly
using the difficult reverse wrist Thrames-McDowell Expert Catch
catch. He felt Dorothy Knickerthwaite’s hot breath on his cheek –
a seductive waft of Corned Beef and Rennies – and his mind reeled.
“God, this woman could be mine!” he thought, but yet again the
iron vice which was his Policeman’s mind snapped shut and he laid
Mrs Knickerthwaite out with a smart blow to the left temple.
“Cor!”
said Spiggot. “That was a close shave an’ no mistake!” intoned
the young Bobby. “Cor? Close shave an’ no mistake?”
“Who
writes his stuff?” thought Bloatmingle, gently heaving the helpless
Mrs Knickerthwaite onto a mysteriously convenient upright piano
transporter.
I am continually amazed at the high level of authenticity evident in all aspects of "Bloatmingle". The author must have access to the day-to-day workings of a British Police Force. Either that, or he/she is a serving Police Officer.
ReplyDeleteYours etc.,
Brian Godolphin [Chief Inspector [retd.] Glossop Regional Crime Squad]
Yes indeed. As an elderly career criminal who was active in the 50s and early 60s I well remember some filth who were just as clever and resourceful as Bloatmingle. And some had names just as silly. There was an Inspector Bottie on my patch, and I recall being nabbed once by Constable Barnstaple. Happy Days !
ReplyDeleteTommy Groynes [88]
Dunblaggin Criminal Retirement Home
Pinchit Lane
Burglars End