14th January 1990 - 19th June 2013
With his philanderings, petty theft and tendency to fart broccoli on public transport, Squint managed to piss off more people in his short life than most people five times his age.
He had been a fugitive for a number of years, dodging the attentions of three jealous husbands, four jilted fiancées (you may wonder how he'd managed to acquire them in the first place. He lied about his inheritance) and someone seeking recompense for a wrecked car aerial, but an ill-advised appearance on a dating website may have led to his demise. Certainly the cause of death remains a mystery.
Detective Inspector Lymeswold of West Mercia Police observed: "It could have been the decapitation, it could have been the defenestration, it could have been the deliberate infection with something embarrassing and nasty. Frankly, whoever dun it - I don't blame 'em!"
Squint's chief claim to fame was as the subject matter of a new handbook for psychiatrists, detailing a newly-discovered personality disorder. He has asked for 412 other offences to be taken into consideration.
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