NEW TO PANGOLIN!!!! Glossop County Council Update!

There has been some talk in council chambers about my recent election by landslide. Of course, it’s only natural that tongues will wag and people will ask difficult questions about council offices built on a notoriously unstable slope prone to landslides. But as council leader, I have to look beyond petty party politics. We need to come together at this difficult time and just be thankful that the ballot was deemed lawful and that my opponents are slowly recovering in hospital. I have also made it my first act as new Council Leader to order the immediate rebuilding of the council chambers with marble reclaimed from the recently demolished Jimmy Savile memorial fountain and bathhouse. I can promise you now that our new town hall will be better than the last and with 80% more jingle jangle jewellery!

After so much recent bad press, I was particularly delighted when the editors of The Pangolin asked me to write something for their excellent publication. Though local politics are my usual concern, I welcome this opportunity to address world affairs, something I regretfully couldn’t do at the recent meeting of the Bilderberg Group.

And I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that we are living in difficult times. China continues to muscle the world economy, America is barely out of recession, and our move to twice monthly refuse collections has been put on hold due to a shortage of green wheelie bins. But let us not suppose that these matters are unrelated! Do you think it right that your local council should be at the whim of Chinese wheelie bin distributors? I think not!

It’s for that reason I formed a steering committee to investigate the possibility of our sourcing wheelie bins from elsewhere. Mr Lowrey, our borough acquisitions officer, has worked tirelessly, often late into the night but the news is good. As he told me recently: ‘We noticed that a neighbouring local authority had a surplus of brown wheelie bins, many of which were being left on the pavement on weekday nights. We arranged for our council wagons to collect those wheelie bins under the cover of darkness.’

You should be receiving your new spray-painted green wheelie bin in the next few days and we ask that all residents treat them carefully and keep them locked to drainpipes at all times. If officials from any other local authority ask your permission to look at your wheelie bin, refuse (pun intended) and contact council offices immediately. Ask for ‘Big Brian and the lads’, give your name and address, and immediately lock your doors and windows. For legal reasons we ask that, no matter what you hear, don’t look outside…