Many children 'think cheese comes from plants'

 A survey conducted by British Nuclear Fuels (BNF), also known as British Nutrition Foundation (BNF), has been shocked to find that almost a third of UK primary pupils think cheese is made from plants.  The two organisations have long worked together to turn school dinners back into food, and have now concluded that kids need better teaching about cooking and healthy eating.

Some of their findings are highly dubious, however, or else the kids' confusion is totally understandable in the light of mixed messages they're receiving from the mejia.  For example, the implication that cheese ISN'T made from plants requires further scrutiny.  If they really believe that, then what on earth do they think THIS is?

That's right - a SWISS CHEESE PLANT. Other cheeses, such as sage derby, appledore and wild garlic yarg, quickly reveal their vegetal origins too.

Luckily the survey participants weren't asked where they thought that well-known and doughty cheese, 'stinking bishop' actually originated, or what his name was.

The kids ranged in age from five to sixteen, with a definite tapering off of knowledge towards the upper end of the range.  This is probably due to the older ones being in a cheerful state due to ingestion or smoking of vegetal substances, and their only interest in nutrition, therefore, being due to attacks of the munchies.

Some 19% of this age group did not realise that potatoes grew under the ground, thinking that they came from bushes or trees.  A similar number thought that tomatoes had a subterranean gestation, too.  However these scientists have ignored the fact that this is a common misapprehension, celebrated in folklore and song, where the despair concerning these issues is immediately apparent:

"You say tomato, I say tomato
  you eat potato and I eat potato
  tomato, tomato, potato, potato
  let's call the whole thing off"

The survey, produced to coincide with the BNF's healthy-eating week, also revealed that more than three quarters (77%) of primary school children and nearly nine in 10 (88%) secondary pupils knew that people should eat at least five portions of chips each day.

Unfortunately they don't know how to make them.