Sunday, 27 July 2014

Pangolin Lifestyle Survey Results!

Well, after months of careful preparation, it's finally ready! 

Yes, The Pangolin Lifestyle Survey is ready to hit the streets. At this, the Survey’s launch, we’ve kept things fairly simple, but should you feel the need to comment on any of our findings – and we feel you probably will – especially the one about the rubber duck and rice pudding, you can simply email Prof Whimbrel at the usual address.

So here’s an easy to understand selection of results to mull over. (Our Survey showed that 76% of you are thick). 
  1. A distressed 15% of respondents didn’t know the difference between Senekot tablets and breath fresheners.
  2. 43% of those questioned fell into the *CGS category with regard to Europe.
  3. 73% of women who had ever appeared on Youtube worried that their bums looked big. 21% of that 73% had massive rear ends.
  4. 89% of men under 40 who favoured little tufts of hair and pointy shoes thought they looked attractive.
  5. Of that 89%, 12% did.
  6. 77% of over-60s women confessed to going “Aaah” at Royal babies on television.
  7. An amazing 91% of men and women under 30 favoured button flies on jeans to zips because, “They’re like, cool, y’know.” 67% of the 91% said “innit” instead of “y’know”.
  8. An entirely expected 100% of teenagers thought they might die if they didn’t constantly fiddle with their phones.
  9. 54% thought that Nick Clegg was a computer graphic image and not a real person. 46% had never heard of him.
  10. Asked if they thought apostrophes were important, 21% said that all wildlife should be protected, 65% felt they were alright in their place, but that apostrophe pooh was becoming a problem in urban areas. 16% were in favour of a cull.

There! Just a taster really, but we feel quite proud of the Survey and will be sending copies to all leading UK politicians in the near future – that Cameron bloke, Nigel Farridge, Wallace Miliband and that really scary one, Vince Grable.

* Couldn’t Give a Shit


  1. I've never seen a bigger load of bilge in all my life.

    I refuse, categorically, to believe that only 21% of the 73% of women on YouTube have massive rear ends. I've made a careful survey of this, and it's more like 98%.


  2. "Bigger load of bilge". You should know, Nige.

  3. You're not getting me confused with that Nigel Farage bloke are you? Now he's full of bilge, too.

    In the meantime, come and look at these buttocks on YouTube...


Go on... you want to say SOMETHING, don't you? Post under a made-up name if you're shy!