‘A triumph of moulded plastic!’ The Star
‘The best recycling scheme in the history of the potato peeling!’ The Chronicle
‘A masterpiece of civic planning and waste teabag management!’ The Observer
These are just three of the nearly seven rave reviews received by your council, hallowed be our name, in praise of our new recycling scheme. And what a month it has been since I launched the scheme with a press of the button that set off the firework display above the luxury cruise liner moored off the Greek island of Kefalonia. By now you should have received your waste metal bin, glass satchel, paper bucket, cardboard crate, peeling pal, nappy sack, two sealable tubs to separate your caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee grounds, tea bag wagon, grass cutting backpack, and a mini skip in which we expect you to put all your old egg shells. Next month you can look forward to taking delivery of your hair bag, meat purse, and the long anticipated ‘caddy of sundry condiments’ so we can begin to recycle your unwanted sauces (brown, tomato, horseradish) the proper environmental way (pigs).
Naturally, there have been complaints from the usual sources (no pun intended) about the amount of time and effort it now takes to carry all twenty seven bins out to the pavement but you only have to look at the opposition to the HS2 rail link to realise that all great schemes have their critics.
As council leader I only have your best interests at heart. Seventeen trips from garden to gate seems quite reasonable when you consider the bigger picture, especially if the bigger picture includes China which is a good deal bigger than seventeen trips from garden to gate. Be thankful you’re not Chinese, is what I say to you!1 And if you do find it difficult being ‘green’, we’ll be providing miniature tractors in the New Year to help ferry the bins for the old, infirm, and habitually lazy.
Again, critics will critique but I must emphases that we’re not in the business of making friends and what little money the council does generate is being put straight back into local facilities.
In unrelated news, the council’s brand new ‘Sauna and Massage Parlour for Friends of the Council’ opened last Monday and will help us in our long-time commitment to making friends. The sixteen floor facility will allow council members (and their friends) to unwind after working long hard five hour days, three days a week. I have personally overseen the construction of the building and arranged work visas for the 128 Thai masseurs who will on call 24/7 to provide therapy and loofah duties. As an added benefit for all members, the masseurs will work in teams of twenty seven to carry member’s bins from garden to gate and back again. As I’m sure you’ll agree: this is joined up council thinking and money well spent.
Of course, my opponents have complained that it’s another waste of resources at a time of national2 austerity but I’m happy to say that after touring the facilities they have agreed to support the council policy on the basis of a yearly automatically renewed membership card and twice weekly soaping down.
1 However, from December the first, the population of the East Napton ward will become Chinese as part of a cultural exchange programme organised by the council. The slight downturn in wages experiences by residents will be more than offset by the additional employment opportunities found at the new Wi Shun / Prunefield Miniature Tractor factory.
2 Mainly non-conservative councils in the North.